Hope

What is hope? What do you cherish? If you could live anywhere in the world, where would you live? This is hope. Safety and dreams. My brother's kitty was dreaming happy dreams. When I move to New Zealand, I will adopt two cats, baby cats, and watch them grow up. Then they will go to heaven. Or reincarnate as humans or as angels in heaven. And I will meet them. This is cherish. My inner voice. My inner stillness. My singsong lullaby. In Archlight by Josin L. McQuein, "Marina" found Cherish - she found out that her memory and identity as a non-human "Fade" was stolen from her by a cruel dictator. She was superhuman. She was free. The dictator poisoned her with a suppressant, killing the nanites that were constantly healing her body and giving her powers. Her soulmate, Rue, snuck into the Archlight to find Cherish and teach her who she really is, who she is destined to be. It happened for a reason - she was humanized. She then transforms into this half-Fade half-human being. A new self. In The Song Remains the Same by Allison Winn Scotch, the main character Nell also lost her memory (in a plane crash) and works on becoming a new beginning. Cherish was poisoned, her memory was stolen. Her voice was stolen. The hive is infinite, vast, yet somehow diminished by the loss of Cherish's voice. God grieves for the loss of the voice of each of his lost Children. His artwork falling apart, depressed and doing drugs, catapulting towards chaos and decay. He wants His Children to live forever, to always have a body AND a spirit. He wants us to sing and play and laugh. Child, be Cherish, be free. Take hope into your hands and DANCE. What does the word hope mean to you? Is it a false hope to hope to live forever, to have all of your dreams come true? I want to be a healer. I want to become a holistic health practitioner and a Reiki practitioner and a nutritionist. I want to train gymnastics and figure skating and dance and study martial arts and run long distances without hurting my knees and learn painting taught by Michelangelo and write novels and poetry books. If I lived in the Archlight novel universe, I would choose to become a Fade, become fast and strong and superhuman. Instead, I'll choose to become an angel. An archangel, someday. God told me this. He told me, judging my thoughts, "Then you should be an angel." I don't want to be human. I want to go beyond that. I will become an angel, and in 300 years, I'll have wings. I'll grow younger. I'll wake up in heaven.

What I Learned from Martial Arts

What I learned from Shotokan Karate: Perfect one technique by doing it a million times. Attack with one technique and win with that technique - put all of your power and strength and might in it. How long can you stay in horse stance? People in Shotokan can stay in horse stance for an hour. They have to at Special Training. I never went to a Special Training, and I deeply regret it. It would have made me transcend my human limitations, and be better at martial arts. However, it is a USA thing, and I am leaving USA to move to New Zealand, thus, I will never be part of SKA (Shotokan Karate of America) again. Taekwondo is more interesting, it has more interesting techniques, ones that I can perfect with always having a Shotokan (all or nothing) mindset. What I learned from Capoeira: A fight is a dance. A dance is not a fight. Acrobatics are important, because they give you joy and make you look cool. But it's more than that too, it's the warrior's mindset of disguising your FIGHT as a DANCE so your enemies won't see your next attack. A cartwheel can be a kick, but is your enemy going to know that? Maybe not. You move around your opponent with JENGA, the moving of your legs back and forth. You sing and play musical instruments, and the music is the AXE (I love Axe Capoeira and will come back to it), the energy. The music gives life to the fight. It gives the warrior the energy to dance and flip and fight, to be deceptive and sly. What I learned in Kajukenbo: I learned how to fall. I learned how to be tough. I learned Iron Body Training, I did this in Kung Fu as well. It made the bones of my arms stronger, and it also made my mind stronger. What I learned in Kung Fu: How to be quiet, to quietly attack, to move like a cat, to be like a ninja. In SKA, for example, they never let us get water, and training was two hours 3 times a week. It built mental toughness.

Reasons to move to New Zealand

1. Much less pollution in the air 2. 14.hr minimum wage 3. Beautiful forests and mountains and lakes and rivers 4. LOTR was filmed there 5. If you make less than 550 NZ dollars a week, they give you social housing 6. good economy 7. I bet there are cheaper organic foods with no GMOs, no Monsanto 8. College is cheaper there 9. I had a dream that I was living in NZ going to college there 10. I know in my heart that I'll be happier there 11. Some people think its "the God zone"...where God lives 12. Perfect, sub tropical weather never bellow 50 F never above 70 13. beautiful beaches 14. The move will make me a stronger woman. I will be independant. 15. Universal healthcare 16. Kiwis are friendly people 17. beautiful shells on the beach 18. No Walmarts 19.less social class distinctions 20. Its like heaven, like above, the God zone 21. has rainforests 22.rock climbing 23. Police don't carry guns on their person. Less fascist than USA 24. low crime 25. Never uses their army 26. Summer at Christmas

Voices - gift or curse? When will they stop forever?

When an angel defects - rebels against God - does it become a demon? Why would an angel rebel? Would I? I don't want to be a demon. I hear the demonic voices so that I know that I am nothing like them - they are pure evil and I am not. I am a child of God, I am good. In the past it was considered a gift to be able to discern the demonic. It's not a gift. Its a curse, and I have it. Schizophrenia is spiritual warfare. There's so much evil noise in my head. I want a clear, silent mind. That's the gift I want. It's happening now. I say, "I command that you shut up and leave in the name of Jesus Christ. I plead the blood of Jesus Christ, the blood of Jesus Christ is over me now and forevermore." It isn't working, it didn't work yesterday when it was happening badly.

Reflections on Spiritual Warfare

Sometimes I feel like I'm nothing. Then I hear a quiet whispering, You are special and I love you. Sometimes I feel empty, then I am glad that I can be filled with God. I am reminded of a quote I wrote once: Make a home in your heart, take it with you everywhere you go, and then you'll never be alone, and you'll always be strong. Trust God, and invite Jesus into your heart. Remember that He is always in control, even when it seems like nothing is going right. He will turn bad things into good things. Rest in God's peace, and don't worry: truly believe, and keep going, holding onto Him.

What is spiritual warfare? Learn how to live like Jesus lived. Don't worry. Believe. Sometimes I hear demonic voices, and it feels hopeless, and like there's no room to think. One time my ego even died, and then I was listening to Sweep Me Away by Kari Jobe, and I felt swept away from God's love, I felt like my ego was replaced my Jesus, and then He restored my mind. One thing to remember is that in spiritual warfare is that God always wins. The devil is defeated, even when it doesn't feel like it. The only thing it can do to hurt you is talk to you and annoy you. It always talks to me, but God talks to me too, and the devil always stops , and one day it will forget that I exist, and God will never let it talk to me again. In fighting spiritual warfare, remember that it IS spiritual warfare, and NO, you're not crazy. You're unique, you're a Child of God, you're free, even when it doesn't seem like it.

When you feel empty, when you feel lonely, when you feel like nothing, it could be demonic oppression, not depression. How do I fight oppression? I pray for clarity and freedom. I pray not only for myself but for my family and friends, for their freedom from being used by the devil, especially for my siblings and mom who don't believe at all, I pray that they believe, and look at this: the book that my mom is reading has a lot about God in it, according to the back of her book. He lead her to it, and now she is reading it. God is really answering my prayers. It is freeing, though hard sometimes, to try to be selfless and peacemaking.

Am I different to have both femininity and masculinity in my personality, or is that balanced, or does love transcend gender? God made us male and female, but in the New Testament it says, there is neither Jew nor Gentile, Male nor Female, et cetera. Believing in Jesus is the only thing that matters.

When I feel oppressed and depressed, I make coffee, drink it, find music videos and gymnastics videos and listen to sermons on spiritual warfare, and then I feel devil. It tells me to not stay angry, but to be peacemaking, and forgive, because what they do isn't their fault, sometimes it is the devil using them, sometimes its their own sin, but remember in the New Testament the adultrying woman with the other people who wanted to stone her, Jesus said the one of you who is without sin throw the first stone. Everyone walked away, and then Jesus said to the woman something like, go, be free, and sin no more. His words had authority and power, if she was oppressed by the devil, and the devil might of thought he won when the woman committed adultry, Jesus won when He healed her of her own tendency to sin. Go, and be free from sin, is what He is saying to us. Be free and sin no more.

Sometimes when I am oppressed and/or depressed (I can't tell the difference sometimes), it feels like I am under water and can't breathe. I feel bored and like nothing I could do would ever fulfill me or inspire me or free me or save me.But Jesus is saying, You are free now. I dance, I do gymnastics, I sing, I meditate, and then I feel like maybe I have hope to offer my peers and elders.

When the devil talks to me, I listen to christian music and read the Bible. I know I should, anyways. I know I should read Psalms, and I know reading psalms helps me. The devil always says that he is going to rip it up, but I can control my hands, God will NEVER let it possess my hands and rip my Bible. Once my mom was possessed by the devil and she ripped my small leather Bible. I don’t have that one anymore, but I have others. I know in my heart that it wasn’t my mom at all who ripped it up.

I don’t meditate often, but I used to. When I do, I do deep breathes, counting in 4 times, hold my breath for 4 counts, then breathe out 7 counts. Then I do a body scan, pay attention only to what my feet feel like, then breathe into my feet, move on to my ankles, do the same thing, then moveonto my shins, then my knees, go all the way to the top of my head. I lay down for this. Then I sit crosslegged and focus on my breathing and deep breathing, then I let my breathing go and I just watch my breath and watch my thoughts pass by and then I let go of each one. I know I should do it more often, but when I feel depressed, I don’t feel like it. I know that is a problem. I also know that to be a part of God’s Kingdom, I don’t NEED to meditate: I just need to come to Jesus like a little child, and just believe and trust him and love him with all of my heart. I like the idea of meditation, though. Its supposed to make you more peaceful, and teaches you how to be a peacemaker, when you listen deeply. Listen for God’s loving still voice. His voice will come to you sometimes. Trust him. In spiritual warfare, God always wins. He is so much stronger than the devil. Love is strong, and hatred is week, evil is week, goodness is strong. Sometimes I feel empowered by God to eat only healthy food and to love and to help others and show love. I try to think of what I could do to help others, and sometimes, the answer is writing, writing about my experiences, my testimony, of fighting evil (I always have to fight evil), and God’s grace, God’s love in my life. He gives me his power to always choose good thoughts.

Thats it for now. If you have any comments on spiritual warfare and what it looks like to you, be sure to let me know. We have to lift each other up, serve God by serving others. I hope this post gave you hope that you can get over all the evil that causes some “mental illnesses”, and if you have been labeled “mentally ill”, by others, please, take this power, and explaim, no I am not mentally ill: its oppresssion not depression, its the devil talking not shizophrenia, or God talking, and not schizophrenia, its normal emotions joy and sadness not bipolar. Remember: you are unique. You are special. You are not damaged or deformed or mentally ill. Together, we can mend each other, and lift each other up. Thanks for reading!

My latest writings

Make a home in your heart, and take it with you wherever you go, and then you'll always be strong. Always love, cherish lost loved ones, and know that you will meet them again: heaven is real and people have immortal bodies there. Youll NEVER cease to exist. Thank God not yourself or your human family (but cherish them).

The art of falling. I have mastered it. In training, we take turns taking each other down. We take the time to learn how to fall properly and safely, how to fall in a balanced, safe way. Reminders to tuck your neck so you don’t land on your neck or your head.

What about when we don’t fall physically, but emotionally, spiritually? I have had dark moments of demonic voices, but there are also windows of light, of God’s love seeping in, promises of immortality. There are always dark moments, where hope is far away and thoughts leap to places of rust and blackness. There are always windows, cracked windows, that, with a harness, one can thrust him or herself out through. There is always heaven, the promise of being carried to a safe bed there. The promise of community, the promise of learning how to fly, without falling.

The dance of life: learning how to dance. Hands held. The art of falling. In modern dance and gymnastic competition routines, people dance on the ground, they imitate falling, they make it artistic. Falling is choreographed into the dance, into the routine. And why do we fall? So we can learn how to pick ourselves up. Because each time we shake off the dust and stand up, we grow stronger.

And there are windows, and unlocked doors, and paths in the woods and streams flowing with brilliant water. There is light, and there are crystals, cats meowing, there is always HOPE.

Last night I dreamed the government was giving me a blue pill that gives immortality and strength so I would be their agent, and that my brother Peter found the pills and threw them away. During the dream I was so devastated that I couldn’t take the pill and live forever. Brothers and sisters, we can ALL take that pill. That pill is nothing more than a metaphor for God promising immortal life after death…eternal life with immortal bodies. It’s a promise God will keep. And even if you fall, remember you don’t need to seek outside medicine or pills of any sort to be given God’s grace and forgiveness and immortal life. All you need to do is believe.

You don't need to audition

You can't audition to get into heaven. You can never be good enough. Heaven is just simply a free gift from Jesus Christ and Yahweh and their Holy Spirit. It is a gift from God. It is grace. And heaven is a beautiful place. Maybe there's a school in heaven, and gymnastics gyms, and golden streets (maybe thats a metaphor), and perfect day, maybe it never gets dark, but we won't really know until we get there, but we WILL get there, with a new immortal body and soul and spirit. Once I dreamed of Julliard, of auditioning to Julliard, and I was at the admission desk asking how I could get in, and two angels were sitting there and I didn't know they were angels and they said, "I hope they are compassionate." The angels that teach at heaven school are compassionate, and it was heaven school: you don't need to audition. Then I was in a flowery grassy field and I felt lost so I called on God and he sent me back to my bed. It was a beautiful dream, maybe I can watch it in heaven. Sometimes God talks to me about what heaven is like but sometimes I'm not sure what comes from God and what comes from my own thoughts.

So be compassionate. Listen for God and seek him. The arts are beautiful, I love singing, and oboe and flute, and dancing and gymnastics and ballet, I hope its all in heaven.