Voices - gift or curse? When will they stop forever?

When an angel defects - rebels against God - does it become a demon? Why would an angel rebel? Would I? I don't want to be a demon. I hear the demonic voices so that I know that I am nothing like them - they are pure evil and I am not. I am a child of God, I am good. In the past it was considered a gift to be able to discern the demonic. It's not a gift. Its a curse, and I have it. Schizophrenia is spiritual warfare. There's so much evil noise in my head. I want a clear, silent mind. That's the gift I want. It's happening now. I say, "I command that you shut up and leave in the name of Jesus Christ. I plead the blood of Jesus Christ, the blood of Jesus Christ is over me now and forevermore." It isn't working, it didn't work yesterday when it was happening badly.

Reflections on Spiritual Warfare

Sometimes I feel like I'm nothing. Then I hear a quiet whispering, You are special and I love you. Sometimes I feel empty, then I am glad that I can be filled with God. I am reminded of a quote I wrote once: Make a home in your heart, take it with you everywhere you go, and then you'll never be alone, and you'll always be strong. Trust God, and invite Jesus into your heart. Remember that He is always in control, even when it seems like nothing is going right. He will turn bad things into good things. Rest in God's peace, and don't worry: truly believe, and keep going, holding onto Him.

What is spiritual warfare? Learn how to live like Jesus lived. Don't worry. Believe. Sometimes I hear demonic voices, and it feels hopeless, and like there's no room to think. One time my ego even died, and then I was listening to Sweep Me Away by Kari Jobe, and I felt swept away from God's love, I felt like my ego was replaced my Jesus, and then He restored my mind. One thing to remember is that in spiritual warfare is that God always wins. The devil is defeated, even when it doesn't feel like it. The only thing it can do to hurt you is talk to you and annoy you. It always talks to me, but God talks to me too, and the devil always stops , and one day it will forget that I exist, and God will never let it talk to me again. In fighting spiritual warfare, remember that it IS spiritual warfare, and NO, you're not crazy. You're unique, you're a Child of God, you're free, even when it doesn't seem like it.

When you feel empty, when you feel lonely, when you feel like nothing, it could be demonic oppression, not depression. How do I fight oppression? I pray for clarity and freedom. I pray not only for myself but for my family and friends, for their freedom from being used by the devil, especially for my siblings and mom who don't believe at all, I pray that they believe, and look at this: the book that my mom is reading has a lot about God in it, according to the back of her book. He lead her to it, and now she is reading it. God is really answering my prayers. It is freeing, though hard sometimes, to try to be selfless and peacemaking.

Am I different to have both femininity and masculinity in my personality, or is that balanced, or does love transcend gender? God made us male and female, but in the New Testament it says, there is neither Jew nor Gentile, Male nor Female, et cetera. Believing in Jesus is the only thing that matters.

When I feel oppressed and depressed, I make coffee, drink it, find music videos and gymnastics videos and listen to sermons on spiritual warfare, and then I feel devil. It tells me to not stay angry, but to be peacemaking, and forgive, because what they do isn't their fault, sometimes it is the devil using them, sometimes its their own sin, but remember in the New Testament the adultrying woman with the other people who wanted to stone her, Jesus said the one of you who is without sin throw the first stone. Everyone walked away, and then Jesus said to the woman something like, go, be free, and sin no more. His words had authority and power, if she was oppressed by the devil, and the devil might of thought he won when the woman committed adultry, Jesus won when He healed her of her own tendency to sin. Go, and be free from sin, is what He is saying to us. Be free and sin no more.

Sometimes when I am oppressed and/or depressed (I can't tell the difference sometimes), it feels like I am under water and can't breathe. I feel bored and like nothing I could do would ever fulfill me or inspire me or free me or save me.But Jesus is saying, You are free now. I dance, I do gymnastics, I sing, I meditate, and then I feel like maybe I have hope to offer my peers and elders.

When the devil talks to me, I listen to christian music and read the Bible. I know I should, anyways. I know I should read Psalms, and I know reading psalms helps me. The devil always says that he is going to rip it up, but I can control my hands, God will NEVER let it possess my hands and rip my Bible. Once my mom was possessed by the devil and she ripped my small leather Bible. I don’t have that one anymore, but I have others. I know in my heart that it wasn’t my mom at all who ripped it up.

I don’t meditate often, but I used to. When I do, I do deep breathes, counting in 4 times, hold my breath for 4 counts, then breathe out 7 counts. Then I do a body scan, pay attention only to what my feet feel like, then breathe into my feet, move on to my ankles, do the same thing, then moveonto my shins, then my knees, go all the way to the top of my head. I lay down for this. Then I sit crosslegged and focus on my breathing and deep breathing, then I let my breathing go and I just watch my breath and watch my thoughts pass by and then I let go of each one. I know I should do it more often, but when I feel depressed, I don’t feel like it. I know that is a problem. I also know that to be a part of God’s Kingdom, I don’t NEED to meditate: I just need to come to Jesus like a little child, and just believe and trust him and love him with all of my heart. I like the idea of meditation, though. Its supposed to make you more peaceful, and teaches you how to be a peacemaker, when you listen deeply. Listen for God’s loving still voice. His voice will come to you sometimes. Trust him. In spiritual warfare, God always wins. He is so much stronger than the devil. Love is strong, and hatred is week, evil is week, goodness is strong. Sometimes I feel empowered by God to eat only healthy food and to love and to help others and show love. I try to think of what I could do to help others, and sometimes, the answer is writing, writing about my experiences, my testimony, of fighting evil (I always have to fight evil), and God’s grace, God’s love in my life. He gives me his power to always choose good thoughts.

Thats it for now. If you have any comments on spiritual warfare and what it looks like to you, be sure to let me know. We have to lift each other up, serve God by serving others. I hope this post gave you hope that you can get over all the evil that causes some “mental illnesses”, and if you have been labeled “mentally ill”, by others, please, take this power, and explaim, no I am not mentally ill: its oppresssion not depression, its the devil talking not shizophrenia, or God talking, and not schizophrenia, its normal emotions joy and sadness not bipolar. Remember: you are unique. You are special. You are not damaged or deformed or mentally ill. Together, we can mend each other, and lift each other up. Thanks for reading!

My latest writings

Make a home in your heart, and take it with you wherever you go, and then you'll always be strong. Always love, cherish lost loved ones, and know that you will meet them again: heaven is real and people have immortal bodies there. Youll NEVER cease to exist. Thank God not yourself or your human family (but cherish them).

The art of falling. I have mastered it. In training, we take turns taking each other down. We take the time to learn how to fall properly and safely, how to fall in a balanced, safe way. Reminders to tuck your neck so you don’t land on your neck or your head.

What about when we don’t fall physically, but emotionally, spiritually? I have had dark moments of demonic voices, but there are also windows of light, of God’s love seeping in, promises of immortality. There are always dark moments, where hope is far away and thoughts leap to places of rust and blackness. There are always windows, cracked windows, that, with a harness, one can thrust him or herself out through. There is always heaven, the promise of being carried to a safe bed there. The promise of community, the promise of learning how to fly, without falling.

The dance of life: learning how to dance. Hands held. The art of falling. In modern dance and gymnastic competition routines, people dance on the ground, they imitate falling, they make it artistic. Falling is choreographed into the dance, into the routine. And why do we fall? So we can learn how to pick ourselves up. Because each time we shake off the dust and stand up, we grow stronger.

And there are windows, and unlocked doors, and paths in the woods and streams flowing with brilliant water. There is light, and there are crystals, cats meowing, there is always HOPE.

Last night I dreamed the government was giving me a blue pill that gives immortality and strength so I would be their agent, and that my brother Peter found the pills and threw them away. During the dream I was so devastated that I couldn’t take the pill and live forever. Brothers and sisters, we can ALL take that pill. That pill is nothing more than a metaphor for God promising immortal life after death…eternal life with immortal bodies. It’s a promise God will keep. And even if you fall, remember you don’t need to seek outside medicine or pills of any sort to be given God’s grace and forgiveness and immortal life. All you need to do is believe.

You don't need to audition

You can't audition to get into heaven. You can never be good enough. Heaven is just simply a free gift from Jesus Christ and Yahweh and their Holy Spirit. It is a gift from God. It is grace. And heaven is a beautiful place. Maybe there's a school in heaven, and gymnastics gyms, and golden streets (maybe thats a metaphor), and perfect day, maybe it never gets dark, but we won't really know until we get there, but we WILL get there, with a new immortal body and soul and spirit. Once I dreamed of Julliard, of auditioning to Julliard, and I was at the admission desk asking how I could get in, and two angels were sitting there and I didn't know they were angels and they said, "I hope they are compassionate." The angels that teach at heaven school are compassionate, and it was heaven school: you don't need to audition. Then I was in a flowery grassy field and I felt lost so I called on God and he sent me back to my bed. It was a beautiful dream, maybe I can watch it in heaven. Sometimes God talks to me about what heaven is like but sometimes I'm not sure what comes from God and what comes from my own thoughts.

So be compassionate. Listen for God and seek him. The arts are beautiful, I love singing, and oboe and flute, and dancing and gymnastics and ballet, I hope its all in heaven.

On past sins wiped away clean as snow.

Have you done something so terrible in the past that you can't even speak of it? You shun it, because it was evil, and you disown that part of yourself. It's just a stain, love erases it. It dissolves in the water I am going to swim in, and it exists no more. The same is true for you and your sins: Jesus's love erases all the stains. Even if it doesn't feel like its gone, it is, and you actually WON'T do it again, even though you're very scared that you will, and that you will die forever because of it. But you won't. There are no second deaths. God raises the dead, and when you accept Jesus into your heart and make him a part of your life, he completely forgives you. Eventually, you will choose to forgive yourself too, and the feelings will come later. Love is a decision. Forgiveness is a decision.

In my past life I was a rapist. I am not a rapist in this life. Yes, I believe I lived a past life. I was in hell, and I was in heaven. You can get out of hell. Its okay if no one believes like me, and I know that I won't wake up in hell EVER. Christianity is my religion, and Jesus is my savior. I don't need to pick between different denominations. That divides us. When we are united we are strong; strong with God's love.

I am constantly scared that I'll make a mistake and do something terrible, and hurt somebody that I love dearly. I know God will never let me. I'm not the person that I once was. I am a new person. I am an angel. I will never die, because I already did. I am waiting to wake up in heaven.

My journey to becoming christian

I wasn't raised in a faith environment, I went to church as a child until I was around ten to twelve but for some reason I always wanted to go to church but not enough to ask my parents to take me there, but nonetheless, I became christian, and someone invited me to church when I was in Pittsburgh. I had been going to a church in South Side every now and then not really believing but loving church and then someone invited me to a church called The Upper Room, and we sang a song "You're the center of the universe, everything was made in you, Jesus" I forget most of the lyrics but nonetheless now it is one of my favorite songs (People from the upper room, if you know the lyrics mention me) and then a devil started talking to me and decieving me and I went to a hospital and Jesus started talking to me and he told me I would always wake up, it took me a long time to believe in him but when a demon told me "Jesus is dead" I instinctively knew that it was a lie, and the voice caused me to believe he is alive because a voice that ugly has to be a lie, so I knew because of the voice that God let me hear, that Jesus is alive. Then I went to a hospital still plagued by demons and devils and accepted death after Jesus said "I'll find you" which means he will come and carry my soul into a new body and later carry me and my new body to heaven. Now I trust him so much and believe in him and go to a church in Maryland, and I love that church, there is another one called Dayspring Church that I went to once and I really want to go back but its in Germantown and my mom isn't willing to drive me there and stay and wait for me to be done I wish she would just come with me and worship the Lord with me but she remains mostly an athiest her doubt when I talk about heaven with her tests my faith. But my faith is strong enough to hold out because it is Jesus's faith because he is in my heart. I love you all...this is part of my story of how I became truly Christian. Thanks to everyone on the way that helped me find my faith thanks Josh and Mike and Kaitlin and Jenna and everyone from the Upper Room, and thanks to my friends at DUMC and for the people at Dayspring Church and the people from the psychiatric hospital I was in because of spiritual warfare, all the people that God used to talk to me and help me through. And the biggest thank you to Jesus and Yahweh and the Holy Spirit!

My grandparents are dead - My grandparents are ALIVE!!!

My grandmother Gaggy died a long time ago and now she is in heaven growing younger. She was named Calliope, and I was named after her (Cali is my name not Calliope although some people think of me as Calliope because I used to go by Calliope), and she changed her name legally to Carol. I had a dream that might have been about her roommate. Its hard for me to see myself as Calliope because I don't want to BE her, and for a long time I was afraid of her. The last moment of mine with her, she loved me so much I did not understand how anyone could love that much...but she had beautiful love in her she was old and dying and had memory loss but she remembered me and now God tells me that she is growing younger. I was afraid of her age I never want to grow old and because I already died and became an angel I know in my heart (and hope) that I will never grow old like she did. Once God told me through Gaggy's loving voice that I'm unique, and that Pappoo (my grandfather) is in hell. I know that he will get out and go to heaven, if he hasn't already. I think he abused Gaggy, but I could be wrong. I see them as Gaggy and Pappoo, they were my grandparents, but one day they will be my age. I barely know my Grandma Arlene, but she died too, she was Jewish, she loved me but I barely ever saw her, she had cancer and died of it and is in heaven or hell I don't know. But I think she was a good person that believed in God, even if she didn't believe the way I do, on a Christian journey, loving God and His Son Jesus and my neighbors and my enemies. I don't know if she ever read the Bible. I barely remember Papa Sky, Grandma Arlene's ex-husband (at least I think he is her ex). The abused my dad, Lee. Once he was locked out of the house and had to come in through the window. My dad threw me on the ground, but I forgive him. My mom was emotionally abusive whenever she was/is angry, but I know she loved me - loves me - and she always apologizes and holds my hand when I'm scared. I pray that God heals her cervical cancer. I am a writer - and a dancer and a gymnast at heart - one day I will flip freely in the gymnastic gym with cheese mats and foam pits and big soft mats and trampolines and trampolene tumbling tracks with a big mat at the end and one day I will do gymnastics in the grass outside in heaven. I'll be free, and I'll talk with Gaggy and Arlene and Edgar (Pappoo) and Aaron Dotle and all his angel friends and Peter Panagas (one of my ancestors who my brother Peter was named after.) In fifty years I will start talking with Damon again from the bottom of my heart. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I have so much love for everybody, because God loved me first I love.