Hope

What is hope? What do you cherish? If you could live anywhere in the world, where would you live? This is hope. Safety and dreams. My brother's kitty was dreaming happy dreams. When I move to New Zealand, I will adopt two cats, baby cats, and watch them grow up. Then they will go to heaven. Or reincarnate as humans or as angels in heaven. And I will meet them. This is cherish. My inner voice. My inner stillness. My singsong lullaby. In Archlight by Josin L. McQuein, "Marina" found Cherish - she found out that her memory and identity as a non-human "Fade" was stolen from her by a cruel dictator. She was superhuman. She was free. The dictator poisoned her with a suppressant, killing the nanites that were constantly healing her body and giving her powers. Her soulmate, Rue, snuck into the Archlight to find Cherish and teach her who she really is, who she is destined to be. It happened for a reason - she was humanized. She then transforms into this half-Fade half-human being. A new self. In The Song Remains the Same by Allison Winn Scotch, the main character Nell also lost her memory (in a plane crash) and works on becoming a new beginning. Cherish was poisoned, her memory was stolen. Her voice was stolen. The hive is infinite, vast, yet somehow diminished by the loss of Cherish's voice. God grieves for the loss of the voice of each of his lost Children. His artwork falling apart, depressed and doing drugs, catapulting towards chaos and decay. He wants His Children to live forever, to always have a body AND a spirit. He wants us to sing and play and laugh. Child, be Cherish, be free. Take hope into your hands and DANCE. What does the word hope mean to you? Is it a false hope to hope to live forever, to have all of your dreams come true? I want to be a healer. I want to become a holistic health practitioner and a Reiki practitioner and a nutritionist. I want to train gymnastics and figure skating and dance and study martial arts and run long distances without hurting my knees and learn painting taught by Michelangelo and write novels and poetry books. If I lived in the Archlight novel universe, I would choose to become a Fade, become fast and strong and superhuman. Instead, I'll choose to become an angel. An archangel, someday. God told me this. He told me, judging my thoughts, "Then you should be an angel." I don't want to be human. I want to go beyond that. I will become an angel, and in 300 years, I'll have wings. I'll grow younger. I'll wake up in heaven.

What I Learned from Martial Arts

What I learned from Shotokan Karate: Perfect one technique by doing it a million times. Attack with one technique and win with that technique - put all of your power and strength and might in it. How long can you stay in horse stance? People in Shotokan can stay in horse stance for an hour. They have to at Special Training. I never went to a Special Training, and I deeply regret it. It would have made me transcend my human limitations, and be better at martial arts. However, it is a USA thing, and I am leaving USA to move to New Zealand, thus, I will never be part of SKA (Shotokan Karate of America) again. Taekwondo is more interesting, it has more interesting techniques, ones that I can perfect with always having a Shotokan (all or nothing) mindset. What I learned from Capoeira: A fight is a dance. A dance is not a fight. Acrobatics are important, because they give you joy and make you look cool. But it's more than that too, it's the warrior's mindset of disguising your FIGHT as a DANCE so your enemies won't see your next attack. A cartwheel can be a kick, but is your enemy going to know that? Maybe not. You move around your opponent with JENGA, the moving of your legs back and forth. You sing and play musical instruments, and the music is the AXE (I love Axe Capoeira and will come back to it), the energy. The music gives life to the fight. It gives the warrior the energy to dance and flip and fight, to be deceptive and sly. What I learned in Kajukenbo: I learned how to fall. I learned how to be tough. I learned Iron Body Training, I did this in Kung Fu as well. It made the bones of my arms stronger, and it also made my mind stronger. What I learned in Kung Fu: How to be quiet, to quietly attack, to move like a cat, to be like a ninja. In SKA, for example, they never let us get water, and training was two hours 3 times a week. It built mental toughness.

Reasons to move to New Zealand

1. Much less pollution in the air 2. 14.hr minimum wage 3. Beautiful forests and mountains and lakes and rivers 4. LOTR was filmed there 5. If you make less than 550 NZ dollars a week, they give you social housing 6. good economy 7. I bet there are cheaper organic foods with no GMOs, no Monsanto 8. College is cheaper there 9. I had a dream that I was living in NZ going to college there 10. I know in my heart that I'll be happier there 11. Some people think its "the God zone"...where God lives 12. Perfect, sub tropical weather never bellow 50 F never above 70 13. beautiful beaches 14. The move will make me a stronger woman. I will be independant. 15. Universal healthcare 16. Kiwis are friendly people 17. beautiful shells on the beach 18. No Walmarts 19.less social class distinctions 20. Its like heaven, like above, the God zone 21. has rainforests 22.rock climbing 23. Police don't carry guns on their person. Less fascist than USA 24. low crime 25. Never uses their army 26. Summer at Christmas

Voices - gift or curse? When will they stop forever?

When an angel defects - rebels against God - does it become a demon? Why would an angel rebel? Would I? I don't want to be a demon. I hear the demonic voices so that I know that I am nothing like them - they are pure evil and I am not. I am a child of God, I am good. In the past it was considered a gift to be able to discern the demonic. It's not a gift. Its a curse, and I have it. Schizophrenia is spiritual warfare. There's so much evil noise in my head. I want a clear, silent mind. That's the gift I want. It's happening now. I say, "I command that you shut up and leave in the name of Jesus Christ. I plead the blood of Jesus Christ, the blood of Jesus Christ is over me now and forevermore." It isn't working, it didn't work yesterday when it was happening badly.

Reflections on Spiritual Warfare

Sometimes I feel like I'm nothing. Then I hear a quiet whispering, You are special and I love you. Sometimes I feel empty, then I am glad that I can be filled with God. I am reminded of a quote I wrote once: Make a home in your heart, take it with you everywhere you go, and then you'll never be alone, and you'll always be strong. Trust God, and invite Jesus into your heart. Remember that He is always in control, even when it seems like nothing is going right. He will turn bad things into good things. Rest in God's peace, and don't worry: truly believe, and keep going, holding onto Him.

What is spiritual warfare? Learn how to live like Jesus lived. Don't worry. Believe. Sometimes I hear demonic voices, and it feels hopeless, and like there's no room to think. One time my ego even died, and then I was listening to Sweep Me Away by Kari Jobe, and I felt swept away from God's love, I felt like my ego was replaced my Jesus, and then He restored my mind. One thing to remember is that in spiritual warfare is that God always wins. The devil is defeated, even when it doesn't feel like it. The only thing it can do to hurt you is talk to you and annoy you. It always talks to me, but God talks to me too, and the devil always stops , and one day it will forget that I exist, and God will never let it talk to me again. In fighting spiritual warfare, remember that it IS spiritual warfare, and NO, you're not crazy. You're unique, you're a Child of God, you're free, even when it doesn't seem like it.

When you feel empty, when you feel lonely, when you feel like nothing, it could be demonic oppression, not depression. How do I fight oppression? I pray for clarity and freedom. I pray not only for myself but for my family and friends, for their freedom from being used by the devil, especially for my siblings and mom who don't believe at all, I pray that they believe, and look at this: the book that my mom is reading has a lot about God in it, according to the back of her book. He lead her to it, and now she is reading it. God is really answering my prayers. It is freeing, though hard sometimes, to try to be selfless and peacemaking.

Am I different to have both femininity and masculinity in my personality, or is that balanced, or does love transcend gender? God made us male and female, but in the New Testament it says, there is neither Jew nor Gentile, Male nor Female, et cetera. Believing in Jesus is the only thing that matters.

When I feel oppressed and depressed, I make coffee, drink it, find music videos and gymnastics videos and listen to sermons on spiritual warfare, and then I feel devil. It tells me to not stay angry, but to be peacemaking, and forgive, because what they do isn't their fault, sometimes it is the devil using them, sometimes its their own sin, but remember in the New Testament the adultrying woman with the other people who wanted to stone her, Jesus said the one of you who is without sin throw the first stone. Everyone walked away, and then Jesus said to the woman something like, go, be free, and sin no more. His words had authority and power, if she was oppressed by the devil, and the devil might of thought he won when the woman committed adultry, Jesus won when He healed her of her own tendency to sin. Go, and be free from sin, is what He is saying to us. Be free and sin no more.

Sometimes when I am oppressed and/or depressed (I can't tell the difference sometimes), it feels like I am under water and can't breathe. I feel bored and like nothing I could do would ever fulfill me or inspire me or free me or save me.But Jesus is saying, You are free now. I dance, I do gymnastics, I sing, I meditate, and then I feel like maybe I have hope to offer my peers and elders.

When the devil talks to me, I listen to christian music and read the Bible. I know I should, anyways. I know I should read Psalms, and I know reading psalms helps me. The devil always says that he is going to rip it up, but I can control my hands, God will NEVER let it possess my hands and rip my Bible. Once my mom was possessed by the devil and she ripped my small leather Bible. I don’t have that one anymore, but I have others. I know in my heart that it wasn’t my mom at all who ripped it up.

I don’t meditate often, but I used to. When I do, I do deep breathes, counting in 4 times, hold my breath for 4 counts, then breathe out 7 counts. Then I do a body scan, pay attention only to what my feet feel like, then breathe into my feet, move on to my ankles, do the same thing, then moveonto my shins, then my knees, go all the way to the top of my head. I lay down for this. Then I sit crosslegged and focus on my breathing and deep breathing, then I let my breathing go and I just watch my breath and watch my thoughts pass by and then I let go of each one. I know I should do it more often, but when I feel depressed, I don’t feel like it. I know that is a problem. I also know that to be a part of God’s Kingdom, I don’t NEED to meditate: I just need to come to Jesus like a little child, and just believe and trust him and love him with all of my heart. I like the idea of meditation, though. Its supposed to make you more peaceful, and teaches you how to be a peacemaker, when you listen deeply. Listen for God’s loving still voice. His voice will come to you sometimes. Trust him. In spiritual warfare, God always wins. He is so much stronger than the devil. Love is strong, and hatred is week, evil is week, goodness is strong. Sometimes I feel empowered by God to eat only healthy food and to love and to help others and show love. I try to think of what I could do to help others, and sometimes, the answer is writing, writing about my experiences, my testimony, of fighting evil (I always have to fight evil), and God’s grace, God’s love in my life. He gives me his power to always choose good thoughts.

Thats it for now. If you have any comments on spiritual warfare and what it looks like to you, be sure to let me know. We have to lift each other up, serve God by serving others. I hope this post gave you hope that you can get over all the evil that causes some “mental illnesses”, and if you have been labeled “mentally ill”, by others, please, take this power, and explaim, no I am not mentally ill: its oppresssion not depression, its the devil talking not shizophrenia, or God talking, and not schizophrenia, its normal emotions joy and sadness not bipolar. Remember: you are unique. You are special. You are not damaged or deformed or mentally ill. Together, we can mend each other, and lift each other up. Thanks for reading!

My latest writings

Make a home in your heart, and take it with you wherever you go, and then you'll always be strong. Always love, cherish lost loved ones, and know that you will meet them again: heaven is real and people have immortal bodies there. Youll NEVER cease to exist. Thank God not yourself or your human family (but cherish them).

The art of falling. I have mastered it. In training, we take turns taking each other down. We take the time to learn how to fall properly and safely, how to fall in a balanced, safe way. Reminders to tuck your neck so you don’t land on your neck or your head.

What about when we don’t fall physically, but emotionally, spiritually? I have had dark moments of demonic voices, but there are also windows of light, of God’s love seeping in, promises of immortality. There are always dark moments, where hope is far away and thoughts leap to places of rust and blackness. There are always windows, cracked windows, that, with a harness, one can thrust him or herself out through. There is always heaven, the promise of being carried to a safe bed there. The promise of community, the promise of learning how to fly, without falling.

The dance of life: learning how to dance. Hands held. The art of falling. In modern dance and gymnastic competition routines, people dance on the ground, they imitate falling, they make it artistic. Falling is choreographed into the dance, into the routine. And why do we fall? So we can learn how to pick ourselves up. Because each time we shake off the dust and stand up, we grow stronger.

And there are windows, and unlocked doors, and paths in the woods and streams flowing with brilliant water. There is light, and there are crystals, cats meowing, there is always HOPE.

Last night I dreamed the government was giving me a blue pill that gives immortality and strength so I would be their agent, and that my brother Peter found the pills and threw them away. During the dream I was so devastated that I couldn’t take the pill and live forever. Brothers and sisters, we can ALL take that pill. That pill is nothing more than a metaphor for God promising immortal life after death…eternal life with immortal bodies. It’s a promise God will keep. And even if you fall, remember you don’t need to seek outside medicine or pills of any sort to be given God’s grace and forgiveness and immortal life. All you need to do is believe.

You don't need to audition

You can't audition to get into heaven. You can never be good enough. Heaven is just simply a free gift from Jesus Christ and Yahweh and their Holy Spirit. It is a gift from God. It is grace. And heaven is a beautiful place. Maybe there's a school in heaven, and gymnastics gyms, and golden streets (maybe thats a metaphor), and perfect day, maybe it never gets dark, but we won't really know until we get there, but we WILL get there, with a new immortal body and soul and spirit. Once I dreamed of Julliard, of auditioning to Julliard, and I was at the admission desk asking how I could get in, and two angels were sitting there and I didn't know they were angels and they said, "I hope they are compassionate." The angels that teach at heaven school are compassionate, and it was heaven school: you don't need to audition. Then I was in a flowery grassy field and I felt lost so I called on God and he sent me back to my bed. It was a beautiful dream, maybe I can watch it in heaven. Sometimes God talks to me about what heaven is like but sometimes I'm not sure what comes from God and what comes from my own thoughts.

So be compassionate. Listen for God and seek him. The arts are beautiful, I love singing, and oboe and flute, and dancing and gymnastics and ballet, I hope its all in heaven.

On past sins wiped away clean as snow.

Have you done something so terrible in the past that you can't even speak of it? You shun it, because it was evil, and you disown that part of yourself. It's just a stain, love erases it. It dissolves in the water I am going to swim in, and it exists no more. The same is true for you and your sins: Jesus's love erases all the stains. Even if it doesn't feel like its gone, it is, and you actually WON'T do it again, even though you're very scared that you will, and that you will die forever because of it. But you won't. There are no second deaths. God raises the dead, and when you accept Jesus into your heart and make him a part of your life, he completely forgives you. Eventually, you will choose to forgive yourself too, and the feelings will come later. Love is a decision. Forgiveness is a decision.

In my past life I was a rapist. I am not a rapist in this life. Yes, I believe I lived a past life. I was in hell, and I was in heaven. You can get out of hell. Its okay if no one believes like me, and I know that I won't wake up in hell EVER. Christianity is my religion, and Jesus is my savior. I don't need to pick between different denominations. That divides us. When we are united we are strong; strong with God's love.

I am constantly scared that I'll make a mistake and do something terrible, and hurt somebody that I love dearly. I know God will never let me. I'm not the person that I once was. I am a new person. I am an angel. I will never die, because I already did. I am waiting to wake up in heaven.

My journey to becoming christian

I wasn't raised in a faith environment, I went to church as a child until I was around ten to twelve but for some reason I always wanted to go to church but not enough to ask my parents to take me there, but nonetheless, I became christian, and someone invited me to church when I was in Pittsburgh. I had been going to a church in South Side every now and then not really believing but loving church and then someone invited me to a church called The Upper Room, and we sang a song "You're the center of the universe, everything was made in you, Jesus" I forget most of the lyrics but nonetheless now it is one of my favorite songs (People from the upper room, if you know the lyrics mention me) and then a devil started talking to me and decieving me and I went to a hospital and Jesus started talking to me and he told me I would always wake up, it took me a long time to believe in him but when a demon told me "Jesus is dead" I instinctively knew that it was a lie, and the voice caused me to believe he is alive because a voice that ugly has to be a lie, so I knew because of the voice that God let me hear, that Jesus is alive. Then I went to a hospital still plagued by demons and devils and accepted death after Jesus said "I'll find you" which means he will come and carry my soul into a new body and later carry me and my new body to heaven. Now I trust him so much and believe in him and go to a church in Maryland, and I love that church, there is another one called Dayspring Church that I went to once and I really want to go back but its in Germantown and my mom isn't willing to drive me there and stay and wait for me to be done I wish she would just come with me and worship the Lord with me but she remains mostly an athiest her doubt when I talk about heaven with her tests my faith. But my faith is strong enough to hold out because it is Jesus's faith because he is in my heart. I love you all...this is part of my story of how I became truly Christian. Thanks to everyone on the way that helped me find my faith thanks Josh and Mike and Kaitlin and Jenna and everyone from the Upper Room, and thanks to my friends at DUMC and for the people at Dayspring Church and the people from the psychiatric hospital I was in because of spiritual warfare, all the people that God used to talk to me and help me through. And the biggest thank you to Jesus and Yahweh and the Holy Spirit!

My grandparents are dead - My grandparents are ALIVE!!!

My grandmother Gaggy died a long time ago and now she is in heaven growing younger. She was named Calliope, and I was named after her (Cali is my name not Calliope although some people think of me as Calliope because I used to go by Calliope), and she changed her name legally to Carol. I had a dream that might have been about her roommate. Its hard for me to see myself as Calliope because I don't want to BE her, and for a long time I was afraid of her. The last moment of mine with her, she loved me so much I did not understand how anyone could love that much...but she had beautiful love in her she was old and dying and had memory loss but she remembered me and now God tells me that she is growing younger. I was afraid of her age I never want to grow old and because I already died and became an angel I know in my heart (and hope) that I will never grow old like she did. Once God told me through Gaggy's loving voice that I'm unique, and that Pappoo (my grandfather) is in hell. I know that he will get out and go to heaven, if he hasn't already. I think he abused Gaggy, but I could be wrong. I see them as Gaggy and Pappoo, they were my grandparents, but one day they will be my age. I barely know my Grandma Arlene, but she died too, she was Jewish, she loved me but I barely ever saw her, she had cancer and died of it and is in heaven or hell I don't know. But I think she was a good person that believed in God, even if she didn't believe the way I do, on a Christian journey, loving God and His Son Jesus and my neighbors and my enemies. I don't know if she ever read the Bible. I barely remember Papa Sky, Grandma Arlene's ex-husband (at least I think he is her ex). The abused my dad, Lee. Once he was locked out of the house and had to come in through the window. My dad threw me on the ground, but I forgive him. My mom was emotionally abusive whenever she was/is angry, but I know she loved me - loves me - and she always apologizes and holds my hand when I'm scared. I pray that God heals her cervical cancer. I am a writer - and a dancer and a gymnast at heart - one day I will flip freely in the gymnastic gym with cheese mats and foam pits and big soft mats and trampolines and trampolene tumbling tracks with a big mat at the end and one day I will do gymnastics in the grass outside in heaven. I'll be free, and I'll talk with Gaggy and Arlene and Edgar (Pappoo) and Aaron Dotle and all his angel friends and Peter Panagas (one of my ancestors who my brother Peter was named after.) In fifty years I will start talking with Damon again from the bottom of my heart. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I have so much love for everybody, because God loved me first I love.

When I go: In heaven :) I know I will because of the signs God has given me

God made me a new pen out of dust identical to the one I lost. Twice! He put it in my hand. He raised me from the dead, giving me a body identical to the one I lost, but an immortal body is the body God gave me. He also made a new bible identical to the one I got free at the church and put it in the basement.

When I go to heaven, and my mom thinks I am dead, maybe she will start to believe that I am in heaven, and will want to go there to see me again, so she will mourn, but believe, and she will go to heaven when she dies. I will talk to her about God and heaven: I will speak truth, and try to inspire her and show her love. She needs emotional and mental healing, and she is always exhausted and I hope that once she believes God will heal her. He will give her her teeth back when she is in heaven.

When I wake up in heaven, I will see God face to face, and He will hug me, and I'll go get my schedule for classes, and then I will put my red leotard on and go see the gymnastics gym and start doing drills and start trying to flip. I will jump into the foam pit before I do a back tuck into it, and someone will spot me and help me to do a back handspring, and I will do it with a spotter a thousand times before I try to do it without a spotter. I will learn gymnastics slowly, but I will learn gymnastics, and be able to do it. Then I will go talk to Aaron Dottle, and if God says it is good, me and Aaron will smoke DMT together and talk and feel peaceful. My wings will grow. I will go to literature classes and writing classes. I will flip. I will take ballet and other dance classes, a dance class like the one on one dance class I dreamed about. I will take meditation classes and swimming classes and maybe a water meditation class like the one I dreamed about with the blue polka dot bathing suit. Maybe I'll have that bathing suit: I hope I do.

Secrets

I really really want to do gymnastics forever.

I think I was born on a differet planet than the one I was born on. Everything just adds up, and I know in my heart that I'm right and there's an Aaron Dottle in heaven and one on this earth. I'll meet the other Cali. Ashley really told me that she died and met Jesus and he told her that he wanted to teach her. The other Ashley kept talking about oracle cards and being a goddess so she must NOT be the Ashley that told me that she met Jesus, the Ashley whose heart stopped, the Ashley who died. And my retired pastor who once was my conductor told me I played the Mendelson peice for my solo when I know it was the other piece that Mr. Shapiro picked out for me that I can't remember. And my mom told me I said things that I know I didn't say. I KNOW that I am not just losing my memory and remembering things wrong. I KNOW that I'm not crazy and that God and demons really talk to me, and I pray for the gift of discernment and for revelations, so I know when its God. I know the trees look kind of different than the trees I saw my whole life. I've been here for a year, and I died a little bit more than a year ago, and I died in a psychiatric hospital, and God hid my death from everyone and I was dead for ten minutes and then Jesus put me in my new body and put me on my death bed and put my dead body in a refrigerator in heaven. I know its true because it makes sense: I blacked out and then woke up suprised to be alive. Before I died I thought I was condemmed forever and in a hospital in hell. For a long time I thought everyone on this planet were demons. Then God told me the truth, that they are different versions of the people on the other planet that I know and love. I hope I'm right because I REALLY REALLY want to train gymnastics and ballet and Oom Yung Doe forever and ever, and figure skating and kung fu. I love gymnastics so much, even more than I love DMT and Cannabis, I used to REALLY want DMT now I really don't care as much about DMT. Aaron Dottle told me "More like an angel" while we were talking about DMT and I LOVE DMT and I know Aaron is an angel and I can feel wings on my back so I know I'm an angel too.

Heaven

Heaven is above earth. Maybe when it was being formed God formed it's sky before He formed the grass and trees and buildings and put it all above the earth but not in the solar system/outerspace but in a separate dimension above earth. I believe there is a school in heaven and the classes we will take are unlike anything you can ever find on earth much more peaceful and liberating. Also there are probably many heavens and heaven grows every day, every day God creates more heaven, so there is room for everyone that exists everyone born before us and everyone that will be born after us. We are all on earth for a reason to spread God's love and compassion, and everyone needs compassion to carry on. "The truth shall set you free." "Don't conform to the patterns of the world but be transformed by the renewing of your mind." God is real. He loves everyone and will destroy the devil someday. Focus on Jesus, meditate on his words. He's alive in heaven waiting to embrace us in a hug. But my common sense tells me that heaven isn't just sky because no one can fly twenty four seven. I have flying dreams all the time and I dream of gymnastics and really feel flight and feel ariels and flips and handsprings so I know someday I will be an angel and I will learn gymnastics and learn to fly in three hundred years. Remember to love everybody and to pray for people that need help.

Poetry

Love is a response to the unknown; a vivid portrait of those life-altering moments stained with equal parts hope and melancholy, peace and sadness, love and joy, we reach forward with our fingers, flying towards the sun, waiting for heaven. My mind is altered by the will of God: he puts DMT in my brain, and I float in the peaceful blue sky. I will soar like I soar in my dreams, the way I fly in my dreams like I’ve been flying forever. Life is the moments that take our breath away: the moment the rhythm of our breath slows down and we listen to our heartbeat. I march to the beat of a different drummer: God, and his Son, and his angels, his people in heaven, his people on earth. I declare an oath: that I am Christian, and will never forsake the Lord. We will do this forever. I will sing and play guitar, play flute, flip on big mats, with a spotter. I don’t have any words to write. God will give me the right words. My pineal gland is a gift from God. It’s not calcified, because God gave me a new body, and since then, he has not allowed any poison in my body.

Heaven

I have a dream of this beautiful, lovely world - and I just really hope it's real, so much that it brings tears to my eyes. There's a school in it, and all the people are free, and God lives there. People walk and talk with him. People talk to each other, and smoke weed, and run around dancing exploring the plants and trees and pathways. Couples smoke DMT together instead of having sex. No one is married. Angels and archangels have bodies and wings. In this world there are writing classes and swimming classes and gymnastics gyms and weight rooms and mimosa hostillis root bark and acacia bark growing freely, cannabis growing freelly, gardens to work in, cafaterias to eat in with friends, and I hope it is there for me, and for all my friends, and not just sky. I had these dreams - dreams about heaven school, dreams of swimming and dreams of gymnastics being so easily and peaceful and in the moment freeing. I dream about heaven all the time, and I hope it is real, and now I am sad and scared and angry at the universe every time I doubt that its real that is what I feel: anger, and emptiness, and sadness, for every doubt. But then I remember the works that God did: I lost my pen at the church, and when I was at home in my room it miraculously appeared on the floor of my room: God made a new one just like the one I lost. Its a small thing. He also made a duplicate of one of the Bibles I got at a church and put it in the basement. Once he told me all of these things, and I forget how he told me, when he told me, if its all real or if I'm just crazy. I just really hope I'm not just crazy and that heaven is all that I hope it is.

Jesus is always with us

http://faithtap.com/522/jesus-is-with-you/#t Watch this video, about Jesus walking with us and talking with us and saving us. :)

Seek love always

All of our storms will pass All of our storms will ceace I'm battling demonic voices And seeking peace of mind Tranquillity and silence With the echo of God's word I'll endure, and I'll be stronger because of it

Its the fight to end all fights Seek out peace Seek love Seek God's heart Embrace Jesus with love My arms are held open wide Waiting for God's compassionate loving embrace.

Never give up because God will NEVER give up on you. Keep going God will give you the right words to say the good thoughts to think The right words to inspire people The love you need to get through the day.

Mystical People die young

A nurse in a psychiatric hospital told me, "Mystical people die young." when I told her I used drugs to seek God, to be a mystical person. She also told me that there is formaldahyde (a poison) in weed, to stop it from smelling like weed. Then my friends told me to smell the weed: I could smell it, it had a beautiful scent, so there must not really formaldahyde in it, it was just what she said to get me to avoid weed. I'm sure - if there is cannabis in heaven - that it won't be tainted by poison, and I will wait for heaven to smoke it again, with a vaporizer. It is good to be mystical, to be christian, to seek God with all your heart soul and mind. Mystical people die young - but, God said to me, "because they go elsewhere." Heaven is a very real world, and I am a citizen of heaven. I died young, when I was twenty-three, in a different psychiatric hospital. The devil was tricking me and made me think that I am condemned, and said many nasty, gross, accusatory, degrading things, and now it talks to me every now and then, and God always forces it to stop, and one day he will force it to stop forever - that is what I hope anyways. I know I will endure and that the devil can't kill me nor can it snatch my heart or make me bow down and worship it. I will only worship the triune God - Jesus, Yahweh, and their Holy Spirit. I am going to go to heaven, it is a world where there is grass and a school and swimming pools and a gymnastic gym and maybe anything you could dare to dream about. I dream about heaven every day. Mystical people might die young, but no one dies forever, so its a good thing: I don't want to grow old, and I never will. I'm on a heavenly journey on Earth, I am just visiting this planet and passing by. My purpose here is to help my family to be happy and to help them to believe in Jesus so they won't ever wake up in hell. I'm also here to learn: to learn how to endure, to learn how to wait patiently, to experience joy, to grow in love for God. I don't know if all mystical people die young, or if I am even mystical. I am christian, and I am an angel, and those two labels are all I need. All I need is God. God loves everybody, and his perfect, unfailing love saves me.

Aaron Dottle told me "More like an angel" while we were talking about DMT. He is in heaven now, and he is an angel, and in five hundred years I will go to Peru with him. That's what God told me.

God rose me from the dead, and now I will NEVER die! The truth is so glorious, and the truth will set you free!

Believing

I don't want to tell people what I believe. They will just judge me, and tell me I'm wrong. They tell me to read the Bible. I do read the Bible. Every day. I talk to God - pray - every day. I appreciate the gift of every moment. I believe no one but the devil stays in hell forever. I believe I will do gymnastics in heaven, forever. I heard once: it's okay if no one else believes like you. Because it DOESN'T actually matter what other people think. It only matters what GOD thinks of us and of what we think and believe. I can't wait for my new king james version leather Bible to come, I am going to read it from the beginning of the old testament, I am going to study it and read it to understand and read it to memorize it. I am going to write verses down. I might fast, but God told me I don't need to. I want to lay down outside at night and look at the stars and talk to God, just telling him everything on my mind. It's too cold now, but Spring will come, and my knee will heal, and I'll go back to the gym, and God will keep all of His promises. When I wake up on a bed in heaven, I will see that everything I believed is true.

What I do when I hear demonic voices

All antipyschotics can do is destroy my mind. They can't even stop the voices. I want the demonic voices to stop, but antipsychotics can't make them stop, because they don't come from my own mind. The voices make me depressed, and they hurt my mind. However, God talks to me too, and He always makes the voices stop. Sometimes I wonder why this has to happen, and why it doesn't stop forever. I know and trust that it WILL stop forever. God will just make it stop and it will never happen again. But a doctor at a psychiatric hospital once told me that all pharmaceuticals are toxic to some degree. I know that God will never let me put something toxic into my body, which is a holy temple of God. I won't defile my body, not with anything. My mom forces me to take risperadol and seroquel as a condition for me staying in her apartment. I believe God turns them into sugar each time I take them. He can: the Bible says he turned water into wine. If He can turn water into wine, then he can turn risperodal into sugar, and when I get the shot, sugar-water. I find it so embarrassing that they make me take a shot. Psychiatric hospitals always helped me, though, even though I never considered myself to be "mentally ill." Different, maybe, but not ill. Talk therapy with a compassionate listener is always more helpful than pills ever could be, even though right now I don't have access to talk therapy. There is nothing wrong with my mind. But I am oppressed by demons and the devil, and when it happens (hearing evil voices) it feels like there is no hope. There must be hope, though, there is always hope, Jesus always saves me, and there is always hope. I hope that I will never hear demonic voices again, and always when it happens I try to think good thoughts, and read the Bible, and pray, and it usually takes hours on end for the voices to stop and for me to have a tranquil mind. I wonder if Gotu Kola would stop me from being depressed. I try to take it daily but often I forget to. I know God will heal my mind. I am waiting for the day when I will know that I will never hear demonic voices again, and then the day when I will wake up on a bed in heaven. Both of those days will come, and I will learn how to be patient and wait.