Heaven

I have a dream of this beautiful, lovely world - and I just really hope it's real, so much that it brings tears to my eyes. There's a school in it, and all the people are free, and God lives there. People walk and talk with him. People talk to each other, and smoke weed, and run around dancing exploring the plants and trees and pathways. Couples smoke DMT together instead of having sex. No one is married. Angels and archangels have bodies and wings. In this world there are writing classes and swimming classes and gymnastics gyms and weight rooms and mimosa hostillis root bark and acacia bark growing freely, cannabis growing freelly, gardens to work in, cafaterias to eat in with friends, and I hope it is there for me, and for all my friends, and not just sky. I had these dreams - dreams about heaven school, dreams of swimming and dreams of gymnastics being so easily and peaceful and in the moment freeing. I dream about heaven all the time, and I hope it is real, and now I am sad and scared and angry at the universe every time I doubt that its real that is what I feel: anger, and emptiness, and sadness, for every doubt. But then I remember the works that God did: I lost my pen at the church, and when I was at home in my room it miraculously appeared on the floor of my room: God made a new one just like the one I lost. Its a small thing. He also made a duplicate of one of the Bibles I got at a church and put it in the basement. Once he told me all of these things, and I forget how he told me, when he told me, if its all real or if I'm just crazy. I just really hope I'm not just crazy and that heaven is all that I hope it is.

Jesus is always with us

http://faithtap.com/522/jesus-is-with-you/#t Watch this video, about Jesus walking with us and talking with us and saving us. :)

Seek love always

All of our storms will pass All of our storms will ceace I'm battling demonic voices And seeking peace of mind Tranquillity and silence With the echo of God's word I'll endure, and I'll be stronger because of it

Its the fight to end all fights Seek out peace Seek love Seek God's heart Embrace Jesus with love My arms are held open wide Waiting for God's compassionate loving embrace.

Never give up because God will NEVER give up on you. Keep going God will give you the right words to say the good thoughts to think The right words to inspire people The love you need to get through the day.

Mystical People die young

A nurse in a psychiatric hospital told me, "Mystical people die young." when I told her I used drugs to seek God, to be a mystical person. She also told me that there is formaldahyde (a poison) in weed, to stop it from smelling like weed. Then my friends told me to smell the weed: I could smell it, it had a beautiful scent, so there must not really formaldahyde in it, it was just what she said to get me to avoid weed. I'm sure - if there is cannabis in heaven - that it won't be tainted by poison, and I will wait for heaven to smoke it again, with a vaporizer. It is good to be mystical, to be christian, to seek God with all your heart soul and mind. Mystical people die young - but, God said to me, "because they go elsewhere." Heaven is a very real world, and I am a citizen of heaven. I died young, when I was twenty-three, in a different psychiatric hospital. The devil was tricking me and made me think that I am condemned, and said many nasty, gross, accusatory, degrading things, and now it talks to me every now and then, and God always forces it to stop, and one day he will force it to stop forever - that is what I hope anyways. I know I will endure and that the devil can't kill me nor can it snatch my heart or make me bow down and worship it. I will only worship the triune God - Jesus, Yahweh, and their Holy Spirit. I am going to go to heaven, it is a world where there is grass and a school and swimming pools and a gymnastic gym and maybe anything you could dare to dream about. I dream about heaven every day. Mystical people might die young, but no one dies forever, so its a good thing: I don't want to grow old, and I never will. I'm on a heavenly journey on Earth, I am just visiting this planet and passing by. My purpose here is to help my family to be happy and to help them to believe in Jesus so they won't ever wake up in hell. I'm also here to learn: to learn how to endure, to learn how to wait patiently, to experience joy, to grow in love for God. I don't know if all mystical people die young, or if I am even mystical. I am christian, and I am an angel, and those two labels are all I need. All I need is God. God loves everybody, and his perfect, unfailing love saves me.

Aaron Dottle told me "More like an angel" while we were talking about DMT. He is in heaven now, and he is an angel, and in five hundred years I will go to Peru with him. That's what God told me.

God rose me from the dead, and now I will NEVER die! The truth is so glorious, and the truth will set you free!

Believing

I don't want to tell people what I believe. They will just judge me, and tell me I'm wrong. They tell me to read the Bible. I do read the Bible. Every day. I talk to God - pray - every day. I appreciate the gift of every moment. I believe no one but the devil stays in hell forever. I believe I will do gymnastics in heaven, forever. I heard once: it's okay if no one else believes like you. Because it DOESN'T actually matter what other people think. It only matters what GOD thinks of us and of what we think and believe. I can't wait for my new king james version leather Bible to come, I am going to read it from the beginning of the old testament, I am going to study it and read it to understand and read it to memorize it. I am going to write verses down. I might fast, but God told me I don't need to. I want to lay down outside at night and look at the stars and talk to God, just telling him everything on my mind. It's too cold now, but Spring will come, and my knee will heal, and I'll go back to the gym, and God will keep all of His promises. When I wake up on a bed in heaven, I will see that everything I believed is true.

What I do when I hear demonic voices

All antipyschotics can do is destroy my mind. They can't even stop the voices. I want the demonic voices to stop, but antipsychotics can't make them stop, because they don't come from my own mind. The voices make me depressed, and they hurt my mind. However, God talks to me too, and He always makes the voices stop. Sometimes I wonder why this has to happen, and why it doesn't stop forever. I know and trust that it WILL stop forever. God will just make it stop and it will never happen again. But a doctor at a psychiatric hospital once told me that all pharmaceuticals are toxic to some degree. I know that God will never let me put something toxic into my body, which is a holy temple of God. I won't defile my body, not with anything. My mom forces me to take risperadol and seroquel as a condition for me staying in her apartment. I believe God turns them into sugar each time I take them. He can: the Bible says he turned water into wine. If He can turn water into wine, then he can turn risperodal into sugar, and when I get the shot, sugar-water. I find it so embarrassing that they make me take a shot. Psychiatric hospitals always helped me, though, even though I never considered myself to be "mentally ill." Different, maybe, but not ill. Talk therapy with a compassionate listener is always more helpful than pills ever could be, even though right now I don't have access to talk therapy. There is nothing wrong with my mind. But I am oppressed by demons and the devil, and when it happens (hearing evil voices) it feels like there is no hope. There must be hope, though, there is always hope, Jesus always saves me, and there is always hope. I hope that I will never hear demonic voices again, and always when it happens I try to think good thoughts, and read the Bible, and pray, and it usually takes hours on end for the voices to stop and for me to have a tranquil mind. I wonder if Gotu Kola would stop me from being depressed. I try to take it daily but often I forget to. I know God will heal my mind. I am waiting for the day when I will know that I will never hear demonic voices again, and then the day when I will wake up on a bed in heaven. Both of those days will come, and I will learn how to be patient and wait.

Trusting God Fully

Renew your relationship with Jesus each day. Pray every morning, and every night. The book of Mathew tells us to go and pray in the secrecy of our room, and not to use too many words because the Lord already knows what we need, and to fast in secret and not for the merit of men, not to improve what your peers think of you, but to please the Holy Spirit, and to store up treasures in heaven and not treasures on earth. This is important because it is what God's Word tells us.

Once in a Sunday school class when I was a child, they told me to do good deeds in secret, and not to tell other people about what I do. I remember that day like it was yesterday. That same Sunday school class also told me that we should trust the Lord even if we don't understand, because He is all-knowing and he knows what we need and what the world needs better than we ever can, so for example, I don't understand why being gay is so wrong, but for God, it is sexual immorality, so I accept His holy teaching, even though I don't understand. They don't hurt anybody: but they hurt themselves, because sex is dirty and sinful. I was raped in a nightmare that I had. He didn't even ask. I consented to kissing, but not to sex. When I had sex with Fluffy, at least he asked me first if it was okay. I said yes because I was bored and because I didn't know how to say no, and because we weren't married, and because he isn't the man I want to marry, it was sexually immoral. I trust God's wisdom above all else.

Maybe we can never fully understand, never be worthy enough, but God forgives us for our shortcomings, for not being enough. God's truth is what I seek, and His friendship and affection is all I truly need. I WANT a gym to go to, to lift weights, and to take dance classes, and to have a gymnastics gym with a foam pit and soft big mats to train in (and I am sure I will have it when I am in heaven - it is the treasure waiting for me in heaven. I will have that bright red longsleeved leotard I dreamed about - it is the treasure stored up for me in heaven. I feel my love for gymnastics.). I want clothing, but God says not to worry about clothing. I love wearing long flowing dresses and dancing, and, when I am meditating, swaying with my soul. But God will give me everything I need, and really all I need is God.

So be at peace, friends who are reading this. Leave a comment and tell me what you think.

What it feels like to be possessed

I'll tell you what it feels like to be possessed. It feels like I am no longer me, but the devil's spirit was in me, and all I could feel was hatred; it's voice was everywhere. I felt like I lost my soul and that there was no hope.

God exorcised me of the devil, and there was hope again.

I'll tell you what it feels like to be possessed by God: I just feel endless, pure LOVE, while God talks to the back of my mind, and I sway to the rhythm of my heart. My soul sways, leaving my body and re-entering my body in a flowing sway. I feel complete peace, and there is more hope than I have ever dreamed of hoping for.

I'll tell you what it feels like to be possessed by an archangel: I feel peace, and love, and I feel free. I feel the way I'll feel in one thousand years, when I'll be an archangel myself.

But when I possess my own body - with my soul and my spirit - I take ownership of this body that God gave me. I am truly myself, fully in my immortal body, free and loving, as I become more and more like an angel. I feel passion and love and freedom. The truth shall set us free, and if we follow Jesus, we will live forever, and go to heaven with immortal bodies after death. I died and stayed on earth, just like Lazarus and a little girl did, as I learned in the Bible.

But when I am possessed, partially, by demons and or the devil, it feels like there is no hope. When I hear demonic voices, I pray and try to think good thoughts. I try to overcome evil with good, like the Bible tells us to. God's Word tells me that there is always hope, even if it doesn't seem like it at the time. And while I am not hearing voices, I am so thankful and grateful that I'm not hearing voices, and that there is silence in my mind, and that my heart is strong and peaceful, and that I have LOVE for God. I am grateful and thankful that it always stops and God talks to me and the demons stop. I will become more and more like the person - the angel, the archangel - that God wants me to be. And I know that someday the demonic voices will stop forever, and I will live forever. When it stops, I will believe even more than I do today.

And that's all, for now. God is good. Remember that: there is always hope.

How to wait for God

Patience is treasuring the wait. It is trusting God to guide us to the places that are best for us. Knowing that God will take us to the place where we belong. A place where we can be happy. A place where we know that we belong. What do we do with the blank pages in our lives? Sit and stare at them, without acting. Choose to let God fill them. I choose the way of peace and hope and love, whatever path that may lead me on. I will never give up. I will always move forward, though I may look back and reflect. My knee will heal…I know that. It’s one of God’s promises, which never fail. God’s Word never fails.

On the internet once I saw a comment that told me to treasure the wait for your beloved to find you. I met my soulmate, if only I am write and was telepathically communicating with them, and he told me "I love you not Mel." I wanted to say from the start, "I love you and Mel." I don't remember why I fell in love with Damon, but one day I will know - when God brings Damon to heaven and we meet again in fifty years. I'll still be young, Damon will be old and wise. At least, I hope he will be wise, I hope he will ask God for wisdom, and for love. I hope that he too will start to wait for God. I will watch my memories of him in heaven, and I am waiting for that day when I wake up on a bed in heaven and can start training gymnastics in the shiny red leotard I had a dream about and can start watching my memories in my new bedroom that God will give me and I'll start writing the story of my life, so-far at least. I am waiting for God; I am waiting for love to blossom; I am waiting for good fruit to harvest, peaceful stories to write. Smoking weed with groups of friends, friends that see each other as brothers and sisters. I want to wander safely, and wonder, and grow. I want to arrive home safely.

It will be hard for me to wake up early tomorrow for church, but I WILL wake up, and I'll drag myself out of my bed and out of my dreams and put on my black tights and put my dress on. I love wearing dresses and feeling thin and athletic. I love going to church. It is peaceful and safe. I love worshipping Yahweh with kindred spirits, singing songs and anthems and hymms, eating communion and praying by the stage, listening to sermons. It is a beautiful process. I believe in Jesus and will follow Him forever and ever. I will never die, because I already did, and God gave me a new, immortal body, and I started to become an angel when I was in the last psychiatric hospital. I want to be a gymnast and a dancer and a psychologist. I'm a writer, but not that good of one. I'm a gymnast at heart, and I am waiting as patiently as I can to train and learn gymnastics in heaven or at Preston Gymnastics in Gaithersburg, if I buy a car and get a job, but definitely in heaven.

So follow your heart. Do what makes you happy. Sing and dance and leap for joy. Talk to God and trust him. Love him with all your heart and all your soul and all your mind and all your strength, and love your neighbor and your enemy. That's all I have to say for now. Be at peace with each other!

Poetry

The world shivers The trees breathe An evergreen sighs in relief As the snow falls on its dark shining branches
A little girl dances In a bright red leotard Singing to the trees

The trees are silent They don’t sing back But they are laughing gently Swaying with the wind Wearing a blanket of snow

She jumps and she flips and she flies Through the air Breathing and singing and shouting for joy Just be She heard somewhere years ago Be forever, Forever still Hearken to God’s word as you dance child, Memories of the Bible whisper to her soft ears.

She sways as the trees sway Love and laughter everywhere Listen To God Listen To the trees And never stop dancing

A new story I'm writing, Practice Novel 2

Nadia was in the woods, running and running. She was listening for the laughter of the trees. She fell to the ground and then found a jagged rock to sit on. She breathed in with her nose and let the air expand in her abdomen. She listened for the wind. She was half-human half angel. She was on the journey of her life: the journey of becoming an angel. She sat completely still and she listened. The wind blew gently. God spoke with love in His voice. She treasured his words in her ears and deep inside her soul her essence smiled.

Her phone buzzed. It was her sister, Sara Ann. Sara Ann was human and lived on the streets. She spent her time searching for drugs to fill the emptiness with. That was a year ago and now Sara Ann and Nadia lived together in a cabin by the woods with their father Joe. Their mother Helena lived in the city with their baby sister Geosie.

“What is it?” Nadia said into the phone.

She felt a presence enter her body. She was possessed by an archangel, and felt complete peace. On the other end of the line Sara Ann spoke. “Nothing, wondering where you ran off to,” Sara said. She had a beautiful tattoo of colorful dragon on her back and had light brown hair and the most brilliant blue eyes.

“I’ve been meditating on a rock,” Nadia said.

“Come home, sister,” Sara Ann said. “Dad just got home from work.”

Nadia meditates on DMT and the music playing in the back of her mind. “Awake the sleeping world with song,” she sang, a line from one of the Christmas songs she sang with choir. It repeated itself in her memory, “The day the Lord has made,” she sings. She breathes in the air and watches the trees gently laugh and roar. The dark green branches of the winter evergreens shimmer brilliantly. Her bluegreen eyes close and she focuses on a low roar in the silence of her mind.

“I’m on my way,” Nadia said. She loves running as fast as possible. She likes what it feels like in her calf muscles as she leaps through the air. She feels her wings grow and she jumps and runs and jumps. She puts her phone back safely in her pocket and stands up and stretches a little bit. Then she grabs her patchwork bag and swings it around her shoulders and starts running. She’s not lost, she knows exactly where she is in the forest and God is with her as she leaps and almost flies.

She is on her way on becoming an archangel. What an amazing journey she walks on. Heavenbound and winged. Sara Ann is a beautiful girl who did all the wrong drugs. Meth instead of weed, heroin instead of DMT. DMT is so hard to find these days, but God puts DMT in Nadia’s veins and she has peaceful visions. She waits for the day when she will smoke it in heaven. Sara Ann’s friend Damon used to live on the streets just like Sara Ann. They were all good friends, and when the two of them stayed in their friend George’s hotel room together, they smoked synthetic cannibinoids and snorted MDMA. Damon shot up MDMA, something Nadia refused to do. The four of them chilled in the hotel room. Nadia wanted to swim, but she didn’t have a bathingsuit, so she used the weight room instead. She needed to take a break from the junkies, because everyone but her was shooting up heroin. Once when she was in the hotel with Damon he was laying on the chair sleeping on heroin and he was drooling and Nadia was scared he was dying and had no clue what to do. Eventually she built up the courage to talk to him and woke him up to make sure he was alright. He was alright. She remembers laying on the floor with a pillow on her head, watching everybody sleeping. It felt peaceful, and she felt like she finally found a family. In her biological family she always felt like an outcast. She felt love, and wanted to live forever. She was their guardian angel.

Nadia ran and ran. She is on her way to being an angel, and she feels the wings on her back and she smiled. Soon she came to the wood cabin that she and her sister were staying in for the summer, just for the summer. She runs up to her room and takes off her short exercise shorts and puts on a pair of sweatpants and changed her tank top. She grabbed her computer and started to watch gymnastics videos.

“Are you there Nadia?” Sara Ann asked. She stood in front of Nadia’s bedroom.

“How is dad?” Nadia asked.

“He’s good,” Sara Ann said.

New Years Resolution Plus Love

I awake to an eternal stillness deep inside. I awake to my soul. I awake to an eternal singing. I sing in the darkness and am bursting with light. I want to tell every soul I meet that God loves them, and that they're safe, and that there's no reason to be afraid. Last year I found peace. Here is my goals and my resolution for 2014: My new years resolution is to write one poem every week and fast at least one day a month or one day a week and eat only healthy food if I occasionally eat chocolate its okay but I'll just try not to. And I also want to start reading literature and writing an essay on each novel I read. These are my goals and resolutions for 2014. I will read the Bible everyday, but I've been doing that since about five months ago so thats not new. I'll try to pray without ceasing, and listen for God's personal word to me. We'll live forever and ever. You need to have a lot of love in your life. God will give you love and you will meat compassionate, kind loving people. Heaven is a real world, with grass and fields of flowers and buildings and swimming pools and a school and I hope there's a gymnastic center there with a tumbling track and huge soft mats and a trampoline surrounded with mats and a harness to flip with until I can flip without it, and that dance class that I dreamed about, and the literature class I dreamed about. My mom hates it when I talk about heaven, but I think its important to talk about and think about heaven. It brings hope. I love all of you who are reading this! Leave a comment and tell me what you think of my writings. :)

Talk about Heaven

I want to talk about heaven and what may or may not be there. Most people don't start that conversation. I want to start it. If we believe in God, there has to be a place where he lives, and where his people live with him - a time where our faith will be made sight. What is it like? What do you think is there? I pray for the gift of discernment. I think that God talks to me personally, to the front and back of my mind. I think He told me that there is a school in heaven. I dream about it all the time. I dreamt of a peaceful literature class, that I believe I can't and won't find anywhere on Earth. Many people I once knew are probably - if it exists - in heaven. I believe. Do you believe? In 2014 lets start thinking about heaven, and why we are living here on earth. What are we on earth for, living mortal lives, until we die and are given immortal bodies, for an eternity with God (Yahweh and Jesus and God's Holy Spirit, the Holy Trinity). Can we become angels? Are angels sent to earth, and then sent back to heaven? Are we here to be tested, here to serve God, here to learn, here to grow in spiritual maturity? It is necessary to believe in Jesus. He is the way and the truth and the life. He is the only way to heaven. We don't need to do good works, though it is surely good to do good works. We don't need to be perfect people. "So God so loved the world, that He gave his one and only Son, so that we may not perish but have eternal life." All we need to do is believe in Jesus, and accept the sacrafice that he gave us - what he did for us - He came to earth to show us the way to live, and then died on the cross and suffered taking our place, paying our ransom. We all make mistakes, certainly even in thought. God forgives us, no matter what the sin is. There is no unforgivable sin - that is something God told me. And His word never fails. God isn't angry with us. He loves us, more than we can possibly imagine. All we can do is try to love Him as much as we can, with all of our heart and our soul and our mind and our strength. Because God is allknowing and allpowerful, He gives us strength, so we can run and leap without getting tired, we will grow wings like eagles. What is heaven like? You don't truly know until you get there. Who are we? Where did we come from? How did God make us? Another thing that is true is that we have to be born again. I think that happened when we are baptized. And if we aren't baptized, then I believe God will baptize us Himself. I don't remember my baptism. I don't know if it was pure and true baptism in God's eyes. But God told me that I will go to heaven. I believe that all of us will, in time. I believe even if you fail to believe, and are sent to hell, if you believe in Jesus, you will get out and go to heaven. That is also something that God told me. Again, maybe I'm wrong, I accept that, but I constantly pray for discernment. We need to know what is our own thoughts and hopes and dreams, and what is God speaking to us personally. It's important to be able to tell the difference. It is important that we test the spirits, to see if it comes from God. To test it, all you need to do is ask if it accepts Jesus, if it came from Jesus. And I believe that Jesus is alive in heaven, yes, with a body, an immortal body, and that we will be given one just like his. I also believe that he comes to earth invisibly to watch over us, and to raise us from the dead, and to carry us to heaven. I believe His Father does the same thing. I believe that Jesus is the firstborn of all creation, and that he lived in heaven long before he came to earth as Mary's child. What do you believe? I dare you to think about it. Think about life, think about death, think about the truth, seek the truth, and seek God, to show Him that you love Him more than you can possibly love anybody else. He judges us in truth, and I believe it is His place, and only His place, to judge us, and that we shouldn't judge each other. Love each other instead. Think about what may happen to you after death, and pray about it, because that's the most important thing in the world. Pray without ceasing. What is heaven like? Talk about it with your friends. Talk about it with other Christians. Whatever you do, think about it, and you will have so much more faith, hope, peace, love, and joy. Don't listen to the people that push their doubts on you. Step away from them. Walk away from them, and turn to God. If you keep at it, God will tell you what heaven will be like. It must exist. That's all I can say: talk about it now, believe in it now, this is our joy. That we will live with God forever.