Reflections on Spiritual Warfare

Sometimes I feel like I'm nothing. Then I hear a quiet whispering, You are special and I love you. Sometimes I feel empty, then I am glad that I can be filled with God. I am reminded of a quote I wrote once: Make a home in your heart, take it with you everywhere you go, and then you'll never be alone, and you'll always be strong. Trust God, and invite Jesus into your heart. Remember that He is always in control, even when it seems like nothing is going right. He will turn bad things into good things. Rest in God's peace, and don't worry: truly believe, and keep going, holding onto Him.

What is spiritual warfare? Learn how to live like Jesus lived. Don't worry. Believe. Sometimes I hear demonic voices, and it feels hopeless, and like there's no room to think. One time my ego even died, and then I was listening to Sweep Me Away by Kari Jobe, and I felt swept away from God's love, I felt like my ego was replaced my Jesus, and then He restored my mind. One thing to remember is that in spiritual warfare is that God always wins. The devil is defeated, even when it doesn't feel like it. The only thing it can do to hurt you is talk to you and annoy you. It always talks to me, but God talks to me too, and the devil always stops , and one day it will forget that I exist, and God will never let it talk to me again. In fighting spiritual warfare, remember that it IS spiritual warfare, and NO, you're not crazy. You're unique, you're a Child of God, you're free, even when it doesn't seem like it.

When you feel empty, when you feel lonely, when you feel like nothing, it could be demonic oppression, not depression. How do I fight oppression? I pray for clarity and freedom. I pray not only for myself but for my family and friends, for their freedom from being used by the devil, especially for my siblings and mom who don't believe at all, I pray that they believe, and look at this: the book that my mom is reading has a lot about God in it, according to the back of her book. He lead her to it, and now she is reading it. God is really answering my prayers. It is freeing, though hard sometimes, to try to be selfless and peacemaking.

Am I different to have both femininity and masculinity in my personality, or is that balanced, or does love transcend gender? God made us male and female, but in the New Testament it says, there is neither Jew nor Gentile, Male nor Female, et cetera. Believing in Jesus is the only thing that matters.

When I feel oppressed and depressed, I make coffee, drink it, find music videos and gymnastics videos and listen to sermons on spiritual warfare, and then I feel devil. It tells me to not stay angry, but to be peacemaking, and forgive, because what they do isn't their fault, sometimes it is the devil using them, sometimes its their own sin, but remember in the New Testament the adultrying woman with the other people who wanted to stone her, Jesus said the one of you who is without sin throw the first stone. Everyone walked away, and then Jesus said to the woman something like, go, be free, and sin no more. His words had authority and power, if she was oppressed by the devil, and the devil might of thought he won when the woman committed adultry, Jesus won when He healed her of her own tendency to sin. Go, and be free from sin, is what He is saying to us. Be free and sin no more.

Sometimes when I am oppressed and/or depressed (I can't tell the difference sometimes), it feels like I am under water and can't breathe. I feel bored and like nothing I could do would ever fulfill me or inspire me or free me or save me.But Jesus is saying, You are free now. I dance, I do gymnastics, I sing, I meditate, and then I feel like maybe I have hope to offer my peers and elders.

When the devil talks to me, I listen to christian music and read the Bible. I know I should, anyways. I know I should read Psalms, and I know reading psalms helps me. The devil always says that he is going to rip it up, but I can control my hands, God will NEVER let it possess my hands and rip my Bible. Once my mom was possessed by the devil and she ripped my small leather Bible. I don’t have that one anymore, but I have others. I know in my heart that it wasn’t my mom at all who ripped it up.

I don’t meditate often, but I used to. When I do, I do deep breathes, counting in 4 times, hold my breath for 4 counts, then breathe out 7 counts. Then I do a body scan, pay attention only to what my feet feel like, then breathe into my feet, move on to my ankles, do the same thing, then moveonto my shins, then my knees, go all the way to the top of my head. I lay down for this. Then I sit crosslegged and focus on my breathing and deep breathing, then I let my breathing go and I just watch my breath and watch my thoughts pass by and then I let go of each one. I know I should do it more often, but when I feel depressed, I don’t feel like it. I know that is a problem. I also know that to be a part of God’s Kingdom, I don’t NEED to meditate: I just need to come to Jesus like a little child, and just believe and trust him and love him with all of my heart. I like the idea of meditation, though. Its supposed to make you more peaceful, and teaches you how to be a peacemaker, when you listen deeply. Listen for God’s loving still voice. His voice will come to you sometimes. Trust him. In spiritual warfare, God always wins. He is so much stronger than the devil. Love is strong, and hatred is week, evil is week, goodness is strong. Sometimes I feel empowered by God to eat only healthy food and to love and to help others and show love. I try to think of what I could do to help others, and sometimes, the answer is writing, writing about my experiences, my testimony, of fighting evil (I always have to fight evil), and God’s grace, God’s love in my life. He gives me his power to always choose good thoughts.

Thats it for now. If you have any comments on spiritual warfare and what it looks like to you, be sure to let me know. We have to lift each other up, serve God by serving others. I hope this post gave you hope that you can get over all the evil that causes some “mental illnesses”, and if you have been labeled “mentally ill”, by others, please, take this power, and explaim, no I am not mentally ill: its oppresssion not depression, its the devil talking not shizophrenia, or God talking, and not schizophrenia, its normal emotions joy and sadness not bipolar. Remember: you are unique. You are special. You are not damaged or deformed or mentally ill. Together, we can mend each other, and lift each other up. Thanks for reading!

My latest writings

Make a home in your heart, and take it with you wherever you go, and then you'll always be strong. Always love, cherish lost loved ones, and know that you will meet them again: heaven is real and people have immortal bodies there. Youll NEVER cease to exist. Thank God not yourself or your human family (but cherish them).

The art of falling. I have mastered it. In training, we take turns taking each other down. We take the time to learn how to fall properly and safely, how to fall in a balanced, safe way. Reminders to tuck your neck so you don’t land on your neck or your head.

What about when we don’t fall physically, but emotionally, spiritually? I have had dark moments of demonic voices, but there are also windows of light, of God’s love seeping in, promises of immortality. There are always dark moments, where hope is far away and thoughts leap to places of rust and blackness. There are always windows, cracked windows, that, with a harness, one can thrust him or herself out through. There is always heaven, the promise of being carried to a safe bed there. The promise of community, the promise of learning how to fly, without falling.

The dance of life: learning how to dance. Hands held. The art of falling. In modern dance and gymnastic competition routines, people dance on the ground, they imitate falling, they make it artistic. Falling is choreographed into the dance, into the routine. And why do we fall? So we can learn how to pick ourselves up. Because each time we shake off the dust and stand up, we grow stronger.

And there are windows, and unlocked doors, and paths in the woods and streams flowing with brilliant water. There is light, and there are crystals, cats meowing, there is always HOPE.

Last night I dreamed the government was giving me a blue pill that gives immortality and strength so I would be their agent, and that my brother Peter found the pills and threw them away. During the dream I was so devastated that I couldn’t take the pill and live forever. Brothers and sisters, we can ALL take that pill. That pill is nothing more than a metaphor for God promising immortal life after death…eternal life with immortal bodies. It’s a promise God will keep. And even if you fall, remember you don’t need to seek outside medicine or pills of any sort to be given God’s grace and forgiveness and immortal life. All you need to do is believe.

You don't need to audition

You can't audition to get into heaven. You can never be good enough. Heaven is just simply a free gift from Jesus Christ and Yahweh and their Holy Spirit. It is a gift from God. It is grace. And heaven is a beautiful place. Maybe there's a school in heaven, and gymnastics gyms, and golden streets (maybe thats a metaphor), and perfect day, maybe it never gets dark, but we won't really know until we get there, but we WILL get there, with a new immortal body and soul and spirit. Once I dreamed of Julliard, of auditioning to Julliard, and I was at the admission desk asking how I could get in, and two angels were sitting there and I didn't know they were angels and they said, "I hope they are compassionate." The angels that teach at heaven school are compassionate, and it was heaven school: you don't need to audition. Then I was in a flowery grassy field and I felt lost so I called on God and he sent me back to my bed. It was a beautiful dream, maybe I can watch it in heaven. Sometimes God talks to me about what heaven is like but sometimes I'm not sure what comes from God and what comes from my own thoughts.

So be compassionate. Listen for God and seek him. The arts are beautiful, I love singing, and oboe and flute, and dancing and gymnastics and ballet, I hope its all in heaven.

On past sins wiped away clean as snow.

Have you done something so terrible in the past that you can't even speak of it? You shun it, because it was evil, and you disown that part of yourself. It's just a stain, love erases it. It dissolves in the water I am going to swim in, and it exists no more. The same is true for you and your sins: Jesus's love erases all the stains. Even if it doesn't feel like its gone, it is, and you actually WON'T do it again, even though you're very scared that you will, and that you will die forever because of it. But you won't. There are no second deaths. God raises the dead, and when you accept Jesus into your heart and make him a part of your life, he completely forgives you. Eventually, you will choose to forgive yourself too, and the feelings will come later. Love is a decision. Forgiveness is a decision.

In my past life I was a rapist. I am not a rapist in this life. Yes, I believe I lived a past life. I was in hell, and I was in heaven. You can get out of hell. Its okay if no one believes like me, and I know that I won't wake up in hell EVER. Christianity is my religion, and Jesus is my savior. I don't need to pick between different denominations. That divides us. When we are united we are strong; strong with God's love.

I am constantly scared that I'll make a mistake and do something terrible, and hurt somebody that I love dearly. I know God will never let me. I'm not the person that I once was. I am a new person. I am an angel. I will never die, because I already did. I am waiting to wake up in heaven.

My journey to becoming christian

I wasn't raised in a faith environment, I went to church as a child until I was around ten to twelve but for some reason I always wanted to go to church but not enough to ask my parents to take me there, but nonetheless, I became christian, and someone invited me to church when I was in Pittsburgh. I had been going to a church in South Side every now and then not really believing but loving church and then someone invited me to a church called The Upper Room, and we sang a song "You're the center of the universe, everything was made in you, Jesus" I forget most of the lyrics but nonetheless now it is one of my favorite songs (People from the upper room, if you know the lyrics mention me) and then a devil started talking to me and decieving me and I went to a hospital and Jesus started talking to me and he told me I would always wake up, it took me a long time to believe in him but when a demon told me "Jesus is dead" I instinctively knew that it was a lie, and the voice caused me to believe he is alive because a voice that ugly has to be a lie, so I knew because of the voice that God let me hear, that Jesus is alive. Then I went to a hospital still plagued by demons and devils and accepted death after Jesus said "I'll find you" which means he will come and carry my soul into a new body and later carry me and my new body to heaven. Now I trust him so much and believe in him and go to a church in Maryland, and I love that church, there is another one called Dayspring Church that I went to once and I really want to go back but its in Germantown and my mom isn't willing to drive me there and stay and wait for me to be done I wish she would just come with me and worship the Lord with me but she remains mostly an athiest her doubt when I talk about heaven with her tests my faith. But my faith is strong enough to hold out because it is Jesus's faith because he is in my heart. I love you all...this is part of my story of how I became truly Christian. Thanks to everyone on the way that helped me find my faith thanks Josh and Mike and Kaitlin and Jenna and everyone from the Upper Room, and thanks to my friends at DUMC and for the people at Dayspring Church and the people from the psychiatric hospital I was in because of spiritual warfare, all the people that God used to talk to me and help me through. And the biggest thank you to Jesus and Yahweh and the Holy Spirit!

My grandparents are dead - My grandparents are ALIVE!!!

My grandmother Gaggy died a long time ago and now she is in heaven growing younger. She was named Calliope, and I was named after her (Cali is my name not Calliope although some people think of me as Calliope because I used to go by Calliope), and she changed her name legally to Carol. I had a dream that might have been about her roommate. Its hard for me to see myself as Calliope because I don't want to BE her, and for a long time I was afraid of her. The last moment of mine with her, she loved me so much I did not understand how anyone could love that much...but she had beautiful love in her she was old and dying and had memory loss but she remembered me and now God tells me that she is growing younger. I was afraid of her age I never want to grow old and because I already died and became an angel I know in my heart (and hope) that I will never grow old like she did. Once God told me through Gaggy's loving voice that I'm unique, and that Pappoo (my grandfather) is in hell. I know that he will get out and go to heaven, if he hasn't already. I think he abused Gaggy, but I could be wrong. I see them as Gaggy and Pappoo, they were my grandparents, but one day they will be my age. I barely know my Grandma Arlene, but she died too, she was Jewish, she loved me but I barely ever saw her, she had cancer and died of it and is in heaven or hell I don't know. But I think she was a good person that believed in God, even if she didn't believe the way I do, on a Christian journey, loving God and His Son Jesus and my neighbors and my enemies. I don't know if she ever read the Bible. I barely remember Papa Sky, Grandma Arlene's ex-husband (at least I think he is her ex). The abused my dad, Lee. Once he was locked out of the house and had to come in through the window. My dad threw me on the ground, but I forgive him. My mom was emotionally abusive whenever she was/is angry, but I know she loved me - loves me - and she always apologizes and holds my hand when I'm scared. I pray that God heals her cervical cancer. I am a writer - and a dancer and a gymnast at heart - one day I will flip freely in the gymnastic gym with cheese mats and foam pits and big soft mats and trampolines and trampolene tumbling tracks with a big mat at the end and one day I will do gymnastics in the grass outside in heaven. I'll be free, and I'll talk with Gaggy and Arlene and Edgar (Pappoo) and Aaron Dotle and all his angel friends and Peter Panagas (one of my ancestors who my brother Peter was named after.) In fifty years I will start talking with Damon again from the bottom of my heart. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I have so much love for everybody, because God loved me first I love.

When I go: In heaven :) I know I will because of the signs God has given me

God made me a new pen out of dust identical to the one I lost. Twice! He put it in my hand. He raised me from the dead, giving me a body identical to the one I lost, but an immortal body is the body God gave me. He also made a new bible identical to the one I got free at the church and put it in the basement.

When I go to heaven, and my mom thinks I am dead, maybe she will start to believe that I am in heaven, and will want to go there to see me again, so she will mourn, but believe, and she will go to heaven when she dies. I will talk to her about God and heaven: I will speak truth, and try to inspire her and show her love. She needs emotional and mental healing, and she is always exhausted and I hope that once she believes God will heal her. He will give her her teeth back when she is in heaven.

When I wake up in heaven, I will see God face to face, and He will hug me, and I'll go get my schedule for classes, and then I will put my red leotard on and go see the gymnastics gym and start doing drills and start trying to flip. I will jump into the foam pit before I do a back tuck into it, and someone will spot me and help me to do a back handspring, and I will do it with a spotter a thousand times before I try to do it without a spotter. I will learn gymnastics slowly, but I will learn gymnastics, and be able to do it. Then I will go talk to Aaron Dottle, and if God says it is good, me and Aaron will smoke DMT together and talk and feel peaceful. My wings will grow. I will go to literature classes and writing classes. I will flip. I will take ballet and other dance classes, a dance class like the one on one dance class I dreamed about. I will take meditation classes and swimming classes and maybe a water meditation class like the one I dreamed about with the blue polka dot bathing suit. Maybe I'll have that bathing suit: I hope I do.

Secrets

I really really want to do gymnastics forever.

I think I was born on a differet planet than the one I was born on. Everything just adds up, and I know in my heart that I'm right and there's an Aaron Dottle in heaven and one on this earth. I'll meet the other Cali. Ashley really told me that she died and met Jesus and he told her that he wanted to teach her. The other Ashley kept talking about oracle cards and being a goddess so she must NOT be the Ashley that told me that she met Jesus, the Ashley whose heart stopped, the Ashley who died. And my retired pastor who once was my conductor told me I played the Mendelson peice for my solo when I know it was the other piece that Mr. Shapiro picked out for me that I can't remember. And my mom told me I said things that I know I didn't say. I KNOW that I am not just losing my memory and remembering things wrong. I KNOW that I'm not crazy and that God and demons really talk to me, and I pray for the gift of discernment and for revelations, so I know when its God. I know the trees look kind of different than the trees I saw my whole life. I've been here for a year, and I died a little bit more than a year ago, and I died in a psychiatric hospital, and God hid my death from everyone and I was dead for ten minutes and then Jesus put me in my new body and put me on my death bed and put my dead body in a refrigerator in heaven. I know its true because it makes sense: I blacked out and then woke up suprised to be alive. Before I died I thought I was condemmed forever and in a hospital in hell. For a long time I thought everyone on this planet were demons. Then God told me the truth, that they are different versions of the people on the other planet that I know and love. I hope I'm right because I REALLY REALLY want to train gymnastics and ballet and Oom Yung Doe forever and ever, and figure skating and kung fu. I love gymnastics so much, even more than I love DMT and Cannabis, I used to REALLY want DMT now I really don't care as much about DMT. Aaron Dottle told me "More like an angel" while we were talking about DMT and I LOVE DMT and I know Aaron is an angel and I can feel wings on my back so I know I'm an angel too.

Heaven

Heaven is above earth. Maybe when it was being formed God formed it's sky before He formed the grass and trees and buildings and put it all above the earth but not in the solar system/outerspace but in a separate dimension above earth. I believe there is a school in heaven and the classes we will take are unlike anything you can ever find on earth much more peaceful and liberating. Also there are probably many heavens and heaven grows every day, every day God creates more heaven, so there is room for everyone that exists everyone born before us and everyone that will be born after us. We are all on earth for a reason to spread God's love and compassion, and everyone needs compassion to carry on. "The truth shall set you free." "Don't conform to the patterns of the world but be transformed by the renewing of your mind." God is real. He loves everyone and will destroy the devil someday. Focus on Jesus, meditate on his words. He's alive in heaven waiting to embrace us in a hug. But my common sense tells me that heaven isn't just sky because no one can fly twenty four seven. I have flying dreams all the time and I dream of gymnastics and really feel flight and feel ariels and flips and handsprings so I know someday I will be an angel and I will learn gymnastics and learn to fly in three hundred years. Remember to love everybody and to pray for people that need help.

Poetry

Love is a response to the unknown; a vivid portrait of those life-altering moments stained with equal parts hope and melancholy, peace and sadness, love and joy, we reach forward with our fingers, flying towards the sun, waiting for heaven. My mind is altered by the will of God: he puts DMT in my brain, and I float in the peaceful blue sky. I will soar like I soar in my dreams, the way I fly in my dreams like I’ve been flying forever. Life is the moments that take our breath away: the moment the rhythm of our breath slows down and we listen to our heartbeat. I march to the beat of a different drummer: God, and his Son, and his angels, his people in heaven, his people on earth. I declare an oath: that I am Christian, and will never forsake the Lord. We will do this forever. I will sing and play guitar, play flute, flip on big mats, with a spotter. I don’t have any words to write. God will give me the right words. My pineal gland is a gift from God. It’s not calcified, because God gave me a new body, and since then, he has not allowed any poison in my body.

Heaven

I have a dream of this beautiful, lovely world - and I just really hope it's real, so much that it brings tears to my eyes. There's a school in it, and all the people are free, and God lives there. People walk and talk with him. People talk to each other, and smoke weed, and run around dancing exploring the plants and trees and pathways. Couples smoke DMT together instead of having sex. No one is married. Angels and archangels have bodies and wings. In this world there are writing classes and swimming classes and gymnastics gyms and weight rooms and mimosa hostillis root bark and acacia bark growing freely, cannabis growing freelly, gardens to work in, cafaterias to eat in with friends, and I hope it is there for me, and for all my friends, and not just sky. I had these dreams - dreams about heaven school, dreams of swimming and dreams of gymnastics being so easily and peaceful and in the moment freeing. I dream about heaven all the time, and I hope it is real, and now I am sad and scared and angry at the universe every time I doubt that its real that is what I feel: anger, and emptiness, and sadness, for every doubt. But then I remember the works that God did: I lost my pen at the church, and when I was at home in my room it miraculously appeared on the floor of my room: God made a new one just like the one I lost. Its a small thing. He also made a duplicate of one of the Bibles I got at a church and put it in the basement. Once he told me all of these things, and I forget how he told me, when he told me, if its all real or if I'm just crazy. I just really hope I'm not just crazy and that heaven is all that I hope it is.

Jesus is always with us

http://faithtap.com/522/jesus-is-with-you/#t Watch this video, about Jesus walking with us and talking with us and saving us. :)

Seek love always

All of our storms will pass All of our storms will ceace I'm battling demonic voices And seeking peace of mind Tranquillity and silence With the echo of God's word I'll endure, and I'll be stronger because of it

Its the fight to end all fights Seek out peace Seek love Seek God's heart Embrace Jesus with love My arms are held open wide Waiting for God's compassionate loving embrace.

Never give up because God will NEVER give up on you. Keep going God will give you the right words to say the good thoughts to think The right words to inspire people The love you need to get through the day.

Mystical People die young

A nurse in a psychiatric hospital told me, "Mystical people die young." when I told her I used drugs to seek God, to be a mystical person. She also told me that there is formaldahyde (a poison) in weed, to stop it from smelling like weed. Then my friends told me to smell the weed: I could smell it, it had a beautiful scent, so there must not really formaldahyde in it, it was just what she said to get me to avoid weed. I'm sure - if there is cannabis in heaven - that it won't be tainted by poison, and I will wait for heaven to smoke it again, with a vaporizer. It is good to be mystical, to be christian, to seek God with all your heart soul and mind. Mystical people die young - but, God said to me, "because they go elsewhere." Heaven is a very real world, and I am a citizen of heaven. I died young, when I was twenty-three, in a different psychiatric hospital. The devil was tricking me and made me think that I am condemned, and said many nasty, gross, accusatory, degrading things, and now it talks to me every now and then, and God always forces it to stop, and one day he will force it to stop forever - that is what I hope anyways. I know I will endure and that the devil can't kill me nor can it snatch my heart or make me bow down and worship it. I will only worship the triune God - Jesus, Yahweh, and their Holy Spirit. I am going to go to heaven, it is a world where there is grass and a school and swimming pools and a gymnastic gym and maybe anything you could dare to dream about. I dream about heaven every day. Mystical people might die young, but no one dies forever, so its a good thing: I don't want to grow old, and I never will. I'm on a heavenly journey on Earth, I am just visiting this planet and passing by. My purpose here is to help my family to be happy and to help them to believe in Jesus so they won't ever wake up in hell. I'm also here to learn: to learn how to endure, to learn how to wait patiently, to experience joy, to grow in love for God. I don't know if all mystical people die young, or if I am even mystical. I am christian, and I am an angel, and those two labels are all I need. All I need is God. God loves everybody, and his perfect, unfailing love saves me.

Aaron Dottle told me "More like an angel" while we were talking about DMT. He is in heaven now, and he is an angel, and in five hundred years I will go to Peru with him. That's what God told me.

God rose me from the dead, and now I will NEVER die! The truth is so glorious, and the truth will set you free!

Believing

I don't want to tell people what I believe. They will just judge me, and tell me I'm wrong. They tell me to read the Bible. I do read the Bible. Every day. I talk to God - pray - every day. I appreciate the gift of every moment. I believe no one but the devil stays in hell forever. I believe I will do gymnastics in heaven, forever. I heard once: it's okay if no one else believes like you. Because it DOESN'T actually matter what other people think. It only matters what GOD thinks of us and of what we think and believe. I can't wait for my new king james version leather Bible to come, I am going to read it from the beginning of the old testament, I am going to study it and read it to understand and read it to memorize it. I am going to write verses down. I might fast, but God told me I don't need to. I want to lay down outside at night and look at the stars and talk to God, just telling him everything on my mind. It's too cold now, but Spring will come, and my knee will heal, and I'll go back to the gym, and God will keep all of His promises. When I wake up on a bed in heaven, I will see that everything I believed is true.

What I do when I hear demonic voices

All antipyschotics can do is destroy my mind. They can't even stop the voices. I want the demonic voices to stop, but antipsychotics can't make them stop, because they don't come from my own mind. The voices make me depressed, and they hurt my mind. However, God talks to me too, and He always makes the voices stop. Sometimes I wonder why this has to happen, and why it doesn't stop forever. I know and trust that it WILL stop forever. God will just make it stop and it will never happen again. But a doctor at a psychiatric hospital once told me that all pharmaceuticals are toxic to some degree. I know that God will never let me put something toxic into my body, which is a holy temple of God. I won't defile my body, not with anything. My mom forces me to take risperadol and seroquel as a condition for me staying in her apartment. I believe God turns them into sugar each time I take them. He can: the Bible says he turned water into wine. If He can turn water into wine, then he can turn risperodal into sugar, and when I get the shot, sugar-water. I find it so embarrassing that they make me take a shot. Psychiatric hospitals always helped me, though, even though I never considered myself to be "mentally ill." Different, maybe, but not ill. Talk therapy with a compassionate listener is always more helpful than pills ever could be, even though right now I don't have access to talk therapy. There is nothing wrong with my mind. But I am oppressed by demons and the devil, and when it happens (hearing evil voices) it feels like there is no hope. There must be hope, though, there is always hope, Jesus always saves me, and there is always hope. I hope that I will never hear demonic voices again, and always when it happens I try to think good thoughts, and read the Bible, and pray, and it usually takes hours on end for the voices to stop and for me to have a tranquil mind. I wonder if Gotu Kola would stop me from being depressed. I try to take it daily but often I forget to. I know God will heal my mind. I am waiting for the day when I will know that I will never hear demonic voices again, and then the day when I will wake up on a bed in heaven. Both of those days will come, and I will learn how to be patient and wait.

Trusting God Fully

Renew your relationship with Jesus each day. Pray every morning, and every night. The book of Mathew tells us to go and pray in the secrecy of our room, and not to use too many words because the Lord already knows what we need, and to fast in secret and not for the merit of men, not to improve what your peers think of you, but to please the Holy Spirit, and to store up treasures in heaven and not treasures on earth. This is important because it is what God's Word tells us.

Once in a Sunday school class when I was a child, they told me to do good deeds in secret, and not to tell other people about what I do. I remember that day like it was yesterday. That same Sunday school class also told me that we should trust the Lord even if we don't understand, because He is all-knowing and he knows what we need and what the world needs better than we ever can, so for example, I don't understand why being gay is so wrong, but for God, it is sexual immorality, so I accept His holy teaching, even though I don't understand. They don't hurt anybody: but they hurt themselves, because sex is dirty and sinful. I was raped in a nightmare that I had. He didn't even ask. I consented to kissing, but not to sex. When I had sex with Fluffy, at least he asked me first if it was okay. I said yes because I was bored and because I didn't know how to say no, and because we weren't married, and because he isn't the man I want to marry, it was sexually immoral. I trust God's wisdom above all else.

Maybe we can never fully understand, never be worthy enough, but God forgives us for our shortcomings, for not being enough. God's truth is what I seek, and His friendship and affection is all I truly need. I WANT a gym to go to, to lift weights, and to take dance classes, and to have a gymnastics gym with a foam pit and soft big mats to train in (and I am sure I will have it when I am in heaven - it is the treasure waiting for me in heaven. I will have that bright red longsleeved leotard I dreamed about - it is the treasure stored up for me in heaven. I feel my love for gymnastics.). I want clothing, but God says not to worry about clothing. I love wearing long flowing dresses and dancing, and, when I am meditating, swaying with my soul. But God will give me everything I need, and really all I need is God.

So be at peace, friends who are reading this. Leave a comment and tell me what you think.

What it feels like to be possessed

I'll tell you what it feels like to be possessed. It feels like I am no longer me, but the devil's spirit was in me, and all I could feel was hatred; it's voice was everywhere. I felt like I lost my soul and that there was no hope.

God exorcised me of the devil, and there was hope again.

I'll tell you what it feels like to be possessed by God: I just feel endless, pure LOVE, while God talks to the back of my mind, and I sway to the rhythm of my heart. My soul sways, leaving my body and re-entering my body in a flowing sway. I feel complete peace, and there is more hope than I have ever dreamed of hoping for.

I'll tell you what it feels like to be possessed by an archangel: I feel peace, and love, and I feel free. I feel the way I'll feel in one thousand years, when I'll be an archangel myself.

But when I possess my own body - with my soul and my spirit - I take ownership of this body that God gave me. I am truly myself, fully in my immortal body, free and loving, as I become more and more like an angel. I feel passion and love and freedom. The truth shall set us free, and if we follow Jesus, we will live forever, and go to heaven with immortal bodies after death. I died and stayed on earth, just like Lazarus and a little girl did, as I learned in the Bible.

But when I am possessed, partially, by demons and or the devil, it feels like there is no hope. When I hear demonic voices, I pray and try to think good thoughts. I try to overcome evil with good, like the Bible tells us to. God's Word tells me that there is always hope, even if it doesn't seem like it at the time. And while I am not hearing voices, I am so thankful and grateful that I'm not hearing voices, and that there is silence in my mind, and that my heart is strong and peaceful, and that I have LOVE for God. I am grateful and thankful that it always stops and God talks to me and the demons stop. I will become more and more like the person - the angel, the archangel - that God wants me to be. And I know that someday the demonic voices will stop forever, and I will live forever. When it stops, I will believe even more than I do today.

And that's all, for now. God is good. Remember that: there is always hope.

How to wait for God

Patience is treasuring the wait. It is trusting God to guide us to the places that are best for us. Knowing that God will take us to the place where we belong. A place where we can be happy. A place where we know that we belong. What do we do with the blank pages in our lives? Sit and stare at them, without acting. Choose to let God fill them. I choose the way of peace and hope and love, whatever path that may lead me on. I will never give up. I will always move forward, though I may look back and reflect. My knee will heal…I know that. It’s one of God’s promises, which never fail. God’s Word never fails.

On the internet once I saw a comment that told me to treasure the wait for your beloved to find you. I met my soulmate, if only I am write and was telepathically communicating with them, and he told me "I love you not Mel." I wanted to say from the start, "I love you and Mel." I don't remember why I fell in love with Damon, but one day I will know - when God brings Damon to heaven and we meet again in fifty years. I'll still be young, Damon will be old and wise. At least, I hope he will be wise, I hope he will ask God for wisdom, and for love. I hope that he too will start to wait for God. I will watch my memories of him in heaven, and I am waiting for that day when I wake up on a bed in heaven and can start training gymnastics in the shiny red leotard I had a dream about and can start watching my memories in my new bedroom that God will give me and I'll start writing the story of my life, so-far at least. I am waiting for God; I am waiting for love to blossom; I am waiting for good fruit to harvest, peaceful stories to write. Smoking weed with groups of friends, friends that see each other as brothers and sisters. I want to wander safely, and wonder, and grow. I want to arrive home safely.

It will be hard for me to wake up early tomorrow for church, but I WILL wake up, and I'll drag myself out of my bed and out of my dreams and put on my black tights and put my dress on. I love wearing dresses and feeling thin and athletic. I love going to church. It is peaceful and safe. I love worshipping Yahweh with kindred spirits, singing songs and anthems and hymms, eating communion and praying by the stage, listening to sermons. It is a beautiful process. I believe in Jesus and will follow Him forever and ever. I will never die, because I already did, and God gave me a new, immortal body, and I started to become an angel when I was in the last psychiatric hospital. I want to be a gymnast and a dancer and a psychologist. I'm a writer, but not that good of one. I'm a gymnast at heart, and I am waiting as patiently as I can to train and learn gymnastics in heaven or at Preston Gymnastics in Gaithersburg, if I buy a car and get a job, but definitely in heaven.

So follow your heart. Do what makes you happy. Sing and dance and leap for joy. Talk to God and trust him. Love him with all your heart and all your soul and all your mind and all your strength, and love your neighbor and your enemy. That's all I have to say for now. Be at peace with each other!

Poetry

The world shivers The trees breathe An evergreen sighs in relief As the snow falls on its dark shining branches
A little girl dances In a bright red leotard Singing to the trees

The trees are silent They don’t sing back But they are laughing gently Swaying with the wind Wearing a blanket of snow

She jumps and she flips and she flies Through the air Breathing and singing and shouting for joy Just be She heard somewhere years ago Be forever, Forever still Hearken to God’s word as you dance child, Memories of the Bible whisper to her soft ears.

She sways as the trees sway Love and laughter everywhere Listen To God Listen To the trees And never stop dancing

A new story I'm writing, Practice Novel 2

Nadia was in the woods, running and running. She was listening for the laughter of the trees. She fell to the ground and then found a jagged rock to sit on. She breathed in with her nose and let the air expand in her abdomen. She listened for the wind. She was half-human half angel. She was on the journey of her life: the journey of becoming an angel. She sat completely still and she listened. The wind blew gently. God spoke with love in His voice. She treasured his words in her ears and deep inside her soul her essence smiled.

Her phone buzzed. It was her sister, Sara Ann. Sara Ann was human and lived on the streets. She spent her time searching for drugs to fill the emptiness with. That was a year ago and now Sara Ann and Nadia lived together in a cabin by the woods with their father Joe. Their mother Helena lived in the city with their baby sister Geosie.

“What is it?” Nadia said into the phone.

She felt a presence enter her body. She was possessed by an archangel, and felt complete peace. On the other end of the line Sara Ann spoke. “Nothing, wondering where you ran off to,” Sara said. She had a beautiful tattoo of colorful dragon on her back and had light brown hair and the most brilliant blue eyes.

“I’ve been meditating on a rock,” Nadia said.

“Come home, sister,” Sara Ann said. “Dad just got home from work.”

Nadia meditates on DMT and the music playing in the back of her mind. “Awake the sleeping world with song,” she sang, a line from one of the Christmas songs she sang with choir. It repeated itself in her memory, “The day the Lord has made,” she sings. She breathes in the air and watches the trees gently laugh and roar. The dark green branches of the winter evergreens shimmer brilliantly. Her bluegreen eyes close and she focuses on a low roar in the silence of her mind.

“I’m on my way,” Nadia said. She loves running as fast as possible. She likes what it feels like in her calf muscles as she leaps through the air. She feels her wings grow and she jumps and runs and jumps. She puts her phone back safely in her pocket and stands up and stretches a little bit. Then she grabs her patchwork bag and swings it around her shoulders and starts running. She’s not lost, she knows exactly where she is in the forest and God is with her as she leaps and almost flies.

She is on her way on becoming an archangel. What an amazing journey she walks on. Heavenbound and winged. Sara Ann is a beautiful girl who did all the wrong drugs. Meth instead of weed, heroin instead of DMT. DMT is so hard to find these days, but God puts DMT in Nadia’s veins and she has peaceful visions. She waits for the day when she will smoke it in heaven. Sara Ann’s friend Damon used to live on the streets just like Sara Ann. They were all good friends, and when the two of them stayed in their friend George’s hotel room together, they smoked synthetic cannibinoids and snorted MDMA. Damon shot up MDMA, something Nadia refused to do. The four of them chilled in the hotel room. Nadia wanted to swim, but she didn’t have a bathingsuit, so she used the weight room instead. She needed to take a break from the junkies, because everyone but her was shooting up heroin. Once when she was in the hotel with Damon he was laying on the chair sleeping on heroin and he was drooling and Nadia was scared he was dying and had no clue what to do. Eventually she built up the courage to talk to him and woke him up to make sure he was alright. He was alright. She remembers laying on the floor with a pillow on her head, watching everybody sleeping. It felt peaceful, and she felt like she finally found a family. In her biological family she always felt like an outcast. She felt love, and wanted to live forever. She was their guardian angel.

Nadia ran and ran. She is on her way to being an angel, and she feels the wings on her back and she smiled. Soon she came to the wood cabin that she and her sister were staying in for the summer, just for the summer. She runs up to her room and takes off her short exercise shorts and puts on a pair of sweatpants and changed her tank top. She grabbed her computer and started to watch gymnastics videos.

“Are you there Nadia?” Sara Ann asked. She stood in front of Nadia’s bedroom.

“How is dad?” Nadia asked.

“He’s good,” Sara Ann said.

New Years Resolution Plus Love

I awake to an eternal stillness deep inside. I awake to my soul. I awake to an eternal singing. I sing in the darkness and am bursting with light. I want to tell every soul I meet that God loves them, and that they're safe, and that there's no reason to be afraid. Last year I found peace. Here is my goals and my resolution for 2014: My new years resolution is to write one poem every week and fast at least one day a month or one day a week and eat only healthy food if I occasionally eat chocolate its okay but I'll just try not to. And I also want to start reading literature and writing an essay on each novel I read. These are my goals and resolutions for 2014. I will read the Bible everyday, but I've been doing that since about five months ago so thats not new. I'll try to pray without ceasing, and listen for God's personal word to me. We'll live forever and ever. You need to have a lot of love in your life. God will give you love and you will meat compassionate, kind loving people. Heaven is a real world, with grass and fields of flowers and buildings and swimming pools and a school and I hope there's a gymnastic center there with a tumbling track and huge soft mats and a trampoline surrounded with mats and a harness to flip with until I can flip without it, and that dance class that I dreamed about, and the literature class I dreamed about. My mom hates it when I talk about heaven, but I think its important to talk about and think about heaven. It brings hope. I love all of you who are reading this! Leave a comment and tell me what you think of my writings. :)

Talk about Heaven

I want to talk about heaven and what may or may not be there. Most people don't start that conversation. I want to start it. If we believe in God, there has to be a place where he lives, and where his people live with him - a time where our faith will be made sight. What is it like? What do you think is there? I pray for the gift of discernment. I think that God talks to me personally, to the front and back of my mind. I think He told me that there is a school in heaven. I dream about it all the time. I dreamt of a peaceful literature class, that I believe I can't and won't find anywhere on Earth. Many people I once knew are probably - if it exists - in heaven. I believe. Do you believe? In 2014 lets start thinking about heaven, and why we are living here on earth. What are we on earth for, living mortal lives, until we die and are given immortal bodies, for an eternity with God (Yahweh and Jesus and God's Holy Spirit, the Holy Trinity). Can we become angels? Are angels sent to earth, and then sent back to heaven? Are we here to be tested, here to serve God, here to learn, here to grow in spiritual maturity? It is necessary to believe in Jesus. He is the way and the truth and the life. He is the only way to heaven. We don't need to do good works, though it is surely good to do good works. We don't need to be perfect people. "So God so loved the world, that He gave his one and only Son, so that we may not perish but have eternal life." All we need to do is believe in Jesus, and accept the sacrafice that he gave us - what he did for us - He came to earth to show us the way to live, and then died on the cross and suffered taking our place, paying our ransom. We all make mistakes, certainly even in thought. God forgives us, no matter what the sin is. There is no unforgivable sin - that is something God told me. And His word never fails. God isn't angry with us. He loves us, more than we can possibly imagine. All we can do is try to love Him as much as we can, with all of our heart and our soul and our mind and our strength. Because God is allknowing and allpowerful, He gives us strength, so we can run and leap without getting tired, we will grow wings like eagles. What is heaven like? You don't truly know until you get there. Who are we? Where did we come from? How did God make us? Another thing that is true is that we have to be born again. I think that happened when we are baptized. And if we aren't baptized, then I believe God will baptize us Himself. I don't remember my baptism. I don't know if it was pure and true baptism in God's eyes. But God told me that I will go to heaven. I believe that all of us will, in time. I believe even if you fail to believe, and are sent to hell, if you believe in Jesus, you will get out and go to heaven. That is also something that God told me. Again, maybe I'm wrong, I accept that, but I constantly pray for discernment. We need to know what is our own thoughts and hopes and dreams, and what is God speaking to us personally. It's important to be able to tell the difference. It is important that we test the spirits, to see if it comes from God. To test it, all you need to do is ask if it accepts Jesus, if it came from Jesus. And I believe that Jesus is alive in heaven, yes, with a body, an immortal body, and that we will be given one just like his. I also believe that he comes to earth invisibly to watch over us, and to raise us from the dead, and to carry us to heaven. I believe His Father does the same thing. I believe that Jesus is the firstborn of all creation, and that he lived in heaven long before he came to earth as Mary's child. What do you believe? I dare you to think about it. Think about life, think about death, think about the truth, seek the truth, and seek God, to show Him that you love Him more than you can possibly love anybody else. He judges us in truth, and I believe it is His place, and only His place, to judge us, and that we shouldn't judge each other. Love each other instead. Think about what may happen to you after death, and pray about it, because that's the most important thing in the world. Pray without ceasing. What is heaven like? Talk about it with your friends. Talk about it with other Christians. Whatever you do, think about it, and you will have so much more faith, hope, peace, love, and joy. Don't listen to the people that push their doubts on you. Step away from them. Walk away from them, and turn to God. If you keep at it, God will tell you what heaven will be like. It must exist. That's all I can say: talk about it now, believe in it now, this is our joy. That we will live with God forever.